Over the seven year run of 3rd Edition Dungeons & Dragons, Wizards released five numbered Monster Manuals, a Fiend Folio, a Monster Manual specifically about Forgotten Realms monsters, and a generous scattering of creatures appearing in other supplements. The worst monster catalog of all these was undoubtedly 2006's Monster Manual IV. Reviled by fans, it includes incredible amounts of filler padding out a collection of Third Edition's least essential monsters. Many of these creatures are new to D&D. There's a reason no one thought of them before: they're terrible.


Zack: Steve! Long time no see.

Steve: I can't actually see you right now.

Zack: Theater of the mind.

Steve: Well I don't know what you were doing dude but I spent my Fourth of July in Pennsylvania and I saw a UFO while I was there.

Zack: What did it look like?

Steve: It was cigar shaped and it just sort of hung in the air in broad daylight, sort of like blinking lights that were speed up strips in a racing game, and then it suddenly zipped away like it had somewhere more important to be. I'm glad it didn't abduct me or my girlfriend.

Zack: I'm having difficulty believing this wild tale of yours about having a girlfriend.

Steve: I'm not going to say her name because of the Internet. She is super hot and has a gigantic rack and also is really funny and smart.

Zack: And also her dad works for Nintendo and saw a secret version of Mario where Mario can grow two raccoon tails and also do fatalities. Am I right?

Steve: That's ridiculous on like five levels so I'm just gonna pick one: Mario would never kill anyone.

Zack: Tell that to the shattered plastrons of a thousand crushed koopas.

More WTF, D&D!?

This Week on Something Awful...

  • The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    The Fracking Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    ‘Toad coin?’ wondered the traveler as he examined the pebble. It did not look all that different from any other pebble, and certainly nothing like a coin. ‘What manner of coin has no head or tail, and bears no seal or flag? Who backs this toad coin, the toad bank? The toad treasury!?’ The traveler laughed, but the toads croaked sternly back at him.

  • Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Your Dog is Totally Worth Refrigerated Food

    Spending $10-15 a day on perishable organic dog food is not a sign of a decadent culture in terminal decline, it's actually real good and worth it.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.