Steve: I think I saw the Power Rangers kick this dude's ass.
Zack: Did they blur out his face vagina?
Steve: No way, that show didn't give a crap. Half the monsters looked like they had a gynecologist do their root canal.
Zack: Bionoid is making me hungry for a Domino's pizza extruded from a giant alien sphincter. 10 hit dice? Avoid him!
Steve: Man, back in the 1990s everything was prefixed with "bio." It was going to be the next "cyber." What happened?
Zack: Biotech was overshadowed by the burgeoning dick pill industry. Turns out giving your fetus a nicitating membrane and thermal vision wasn't nearly as useful as 75-year-old men doddering around with steel-hard fuckdaggers.
Steve: Then we had to go and invent craigslist.
Zack: Craig fucked up everything. Life was supposed to be good, Steve. We were supposed to be brachiating around our melon tree cities and communicating through smells. Bio paradise. No thanks to Craig all our hot women are meeting old dudes in hotel rooms in exchange for gift cards and we have to pay some girl to play Xbox with us for ten minutes.
Steve: Our bonerpunk future is very dark indeed.
Zack: Dark and elderly and into gapes. Disturbingly obsessed with gapes.
Over the last few weeks an outnumbered but brave group of men calmly used facts and logic to conclusively prove that women are ruining video games with their lustful object bodies. But there are other threats to everything gamers hold dear.
Sleeping with AC is at this point a basic human right. But if you're one of the doomed souls forced to deal with global warming on a nightly basis, here's an hourly breakdown on how to get the most out of your inferno hellscape of a bedroom.
We're spelunking through the movie catacombs this week. Join us, won't you?
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.