Zack: A large skeleton hangs from the ceiling. The room is filled with various arcane pieces of equipment, glass tubes, jars of strange ingredients and partial books in forgotten languages. Nikka says it appears to be a wizard's laboratory.
Steve: There are no monsters?
Zack: There are six skeletons sitting around a table. They put down their dice and sheets, knock over the DM's screen and brandish maces and swords.Steve: Attack!
Zack: A brutal battle ensues. You shatter bones and pierce ribcages with your spear. You suffer some damage, but survive. The wizard who isn't Nikka or the baby and whose name I have totally forgotten is slain by the skeletons.
Steve: We bow our heads and send him off to the land of the dead.
Zack: The baby takes the corpse's pants down and the dead body says, "Look at my tiny wiener, fatso. Let's be gay forever!"
Steve: I tell them to stop doing that it's disgusting.
Zack: They fold their arms across their chests and solemnly swear to keep doing it forever.
Steve: Is there any treasure?
Zack: A search of the room reveals several shimmering yellow potions.
Steve: Can we identify them?
Zack: No, but the potion cookbook next to them is open to the recipe for ESP potions.
Steve: I drink one.
Zack: The mists of possibility part from your mind and you peer into the future. You will be called fatso by the wizards.
Steve: Any doors?
Zack: There is a door to the south.Steve: I'm going through it.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.