Zack: Do you have any skill for operating a ship's weapons?
Steve: Does simple weapon proficiency do it?
Steve: Then no.
Zack: Alright, Blurg mashes a series of buttons and hits every flashing light he can find on the console. The ship ejects its waste, fires a series of sensor probes in random directions, vents most of its atmosphere, and fires a torpedo into Tatooine.
Steve: Do any of the probes detect how much ass we just kicked?
Zack: Yes. They all correctly detect zero ass kicked. The other ship approaches. It is too small to pull you into a bay, but it attaches you to its underbelly like a piglet having a meal from its mom.
Steve: Now we have them right where we want them. I am going to fire another torpedo and try to aim it at their ship.
Zack: As you reach for the button you feel as if you're being choked. You can't breathe at all. You look over and see Ruth is holding her hand like a claw and staring intensely at you.
Steve: Help...me...Ruth. Must...be...sith...on...enemy ship.
Zack: "I'm choking you, idiot. Ugh." She relaxes her grip and you feel your throat loosen. "I should have let Jabba have you as a slave."
Steve: "I don't think he would have wanted me after he turned down that first Trandoshan."
Do all of your holiday shopping in the Star Citizen online store! We have great deals on space ships for a game that may not be released for years. Think of these as investments in your future enjoyment.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.