Zack: Do you have any skill for operating a ship's weapons?
Steve: Does simple weapon proficiency do it?
Steve: Then no.
Zack: Alright, Blurg mashes a series of buttons and hits every flashing light he can find on the console. The ship ejects its waste, fires a series of sensor probes in random directions, vents most of its atmosphere, and fires a torpedo into Tatooine.
Steve: Do any of the probes detect how much ass we just kicked?
Zack: Yes. They all correctly detect zero ass kicked. The other ship approaches. It is too small to pull you into a bay, but it attaches you to its underbelly like a piglet having a meal from its mom.
Steve: Now we have them right where we want them. I am going to fire another torpedo and try to aim it at their ship.
Zack: As you reach for the button you feel as if you're being choked. You can't breathe at all. You look over and see Ruth is holding her hand like a claw and staring intensely at you.
Steve: Help...me...Ruth. Must...be...sith...on...enemy ship.
Zack: "I'm choking you, idiot. Ugh." She relaxes her grip and you feel your throat loosen. "I should have let Jabba have you as a slave."
Steve: "I don't think he would have wanted me after he turned down that first Trandoshan."
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.