Zack: Alright, they finish loading all the merch up. They stay aboard your ship, but their ship detaches and leaves. Soon, Ruth activates the hyperspace engine and the ship smoothly accelerates into hyperspace. The journey to Cloud City will only take a few hours.
Steve: I'm going to play holo chess with Beth.
Zack: She easily defeats you every game you play.
Steve: I will resist the urge to chop her into pieces with my light saber.
Zack: Alright, spiral wipe from you playing chess to your ship suddenly decelerating next to a colorful gas giant. Ruth guides the ship into the sun-painted skies of Bespin. Air speeders rise to meet you and escort you to one of the many landing platforms. As you lower the ramp, you are surprised to be greeted by a contingent of Cloud City troopers and a sinister-looking robot.
Steve: I pop open my light saber and strike a combat pose.
Zack: The Cloud City troopers raise their guns, but they back away at the sight of a Jedi. They are clearly intimidated. The skinny robot, however, only swivels his head slightly to point a glowing red eye at you.
Steve: "Okay, stoplight, you'd better turn green in a hurry, or I'm gonna make you turn red...forever."
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.