Character(s): Zack
Appearing In: The Dead or Alive Series (multiple)
Thanks: ScootsMagoo

Dr. Thorpe:This is what happens when Teletubbies grow up and get serious about their lives. They have to fight for a living because they have a huge chip on their shoulders about the things on their heads.

Zack:They've certainly shed a lot of that Tubby Tustahd weight. When your entire diet is toast and pudding you're bound for obesity. They might as well have had that vacuum cleaner creature shoot carbs directly into their veins.

Dr. Thorpe:How is it that a show can delight children and yet terrify adults?

Zack:Children just can't grasp the Orwellian subtext of a cooing baby's face watching the Teletubbies' every caper and dance like some sort of lambent overlord. They don't realize that the unnecessary repetition of the live-action videos are part of a subtle hypnotic indoctrination program.

Dr. Thorpe:I wonder if you could show a three-year-old "Hellraiser" and he'd just clap and laugh.

Zack:Maybe not a "Hellraiser" because those movies have a lot of sudden action and screaming, but I bet a two year old could watch "Barton Fink" or "Naked Lunch" and be lulled to sleep. Basically my reaction as well.

Dr. Thorpe:I think Naked Lunch is a good analogy, because Teletubbies is sort of Cronenbergesque.

Zack:I don't like how every video game character ever named Zack has either been comic relief or some spunky little kid with a ray gun or a free spirit or something. Just once, why can't Zack be some sort of time-traveling samurai with laser eyes or a gritty loner who fires akimbo Colt .45s?

Dr. Thorpe:It's because, no offense, but Zack is just a stupid, losery name. When you have a baby, naming him "Zack" is basically like shoving him back into the womb.

Zack:Oh man, you are going to reap the whirlwind for that. I have my akimbo .45s and five o'clock shadow primed and ready for a swath of vengeance and your name just topped my list.

Dr. Thorpe:I think I can pretend to be scared purely out of pity and that'll pretty much be enough for you, right?

Zack:It would have been enough if you had just done it instead of asking.

Dr. Thorpe:Okay, how about I walk away and then you can shout "yeah, you'd better run!"

Zack:Don't patronize me!

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Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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