Zack: Man, I didn't know they were filming a live action "Two Stupid Dogs" movie.

Dr. Thorpe: Hypothesis: I'm gonna eat a donut.
Procedure: Bought some donuts.
Conclusion: Kenny ate em all :(

Dr. Thorpe: Look at the bulge in the ogre's cargo pants. I think he managed to smuggle a few out for later. "Dude, save a donut or two, maybe if we give them to Mr. Henderson he'll let us take another peek at the "Spurt" table."

Zack: Yeah, these two definitely have the hots for the Spurt girls. They had to go with a lame last minute "donuts" project because they spent their entire research time developing a dietary supplement that would allow them to win the "spurt off". Unfortunately, they were never called to serve.

Dr. Thorpe: They were really bitter because in home trials they absolutely smoked everyone who actually participated, so they had to drown their sorrows in fried treats.

Dr. Thorpe: "Kelly and Bree are such bitches, they knew they couldn't let nobodies like us win their stupid spurt contest because it would look bad for the school if some stupid jock didn't win it."

Zack: That's like the plot to an 80s teen sex comedy. Only instead of turning to donuts they use an Ouija board to summon Kelly Lebrock.

Dr. Thorpe: "TNT - 2:35 AM: Spurt! Two stars. (1986). Two teenage virgins attempt to win the science fair with a daring anatomical stunt. Starring Judd Nelson."

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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