Dave: The glorious testicle dragon shows that she is a lover of the arts, but the assortment of pink tesseracts signify her love of science. I do believe we've found the perfect woman.
Zack: She looks like the sort of lady you'd want to keep away from your elm tree's root system.
Zack: "I didn't pay Orken good money to put tattoos and wigs on these fuckers!"
Dave: But can't you see that concealed within this tubular, grublike frame burns the soul of a wiccan love-goddess?
Zack: I bet those tesseracts were horrible to tattoo. "Uh, lady, I'm trying to render a four-dimensional object and your back keeps wiggling around."
Dave: The geometric shapes represent order and symmetry, but the dragon's wicked nards represent chaos and fragrant, pillowy sex.
Zack: Alright, I'm going to name some objects and you give me the odds of whether or not they are in this lady's house.
Dave: Sure, let's do this.
Zack: A D&D Monster Manual.
Dave: Yeah, but it's 2nd edition. 3rd and beyond are way too dumbed down. You'll pry her THAC0 out of her cold, dead folds.
Zack: A well-used dreamcatcher.
Dave: Yeah. If you shake it, images of Harry Potter having sex with Edward Cullen trickle out.
Zack: A drawing of an angel done in anime style.
Dave: Nah, I think she's more old-school fantasy than that. I bet she has a whole book about how "angel" myths are actually alien and/or dragon sightings, though.
Zack: A box of art supplies (pencils, pens, etc) covered in stickers.
Dave: Totally, and there's a shitload of yarn in there, too.
Zack: Okay, last one: a thong.
Dave: Does "lost inside her body" count as "in her house"?
Zack: Every day except when she has to go out to deposit her SSI check she receives for her "chronic fatigue."
Dave: My turn: that picture of David Duchovny with the teacup over his junk.
Zack: Nah, she was always into the Lone Gunmen.
Dave: A really obese cat.
Zack: No, but only because it recently died from diabetes.
Dave: A skinny blonde guy with a ponytail who is technically her common-law husband but she prefers to call him her asexual lifemate.
Zack: No, but on a technicality. Her state doesn't recognize common-law marriages.
Zack: Give me one more.
Dave: A lingering odor of mothballs, old books, cat pee, garbage and body soil.
Zack: No again! But only because she's spent the past week cleaning and even uninstalled WoW so that she can get her kids back from the state.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.