Jeff K.'s weekly column, appropriately entitled "Ask Jeff K.", deals with all the issues that affect all hardcore gamers and l33t haX0rs out there. If you have a question you'd like to ask, feel free to mail it in. Every letter printed here is in fact real and has actually been sent to Jeff; not a single email has been fabricated or created by the staff.
Let me repeat that again for the sake of emphasis: All of these emails have really been submitted to Jeff K. by real people and have NOT been made up or forged in any way.
Note from the editor: Since Jeff K. is at his grandma's house this week, Cliff Yablonski has agreed to fill in and write today's column. Jeff K. will be back for next week.
okay, I'll be the first to admit that I dont know jack shit about writing, much less this computer crap, so I don't know why the fuck Richard asked me to fill in for whatever this column is. I read the previous columns and it just seems like some idiot kid talking about God knows what, and I really dont have time for crap like this because there's a damn lot of shit I gotta do before Home Depot closes tonight. That toolshed out back isnt going to fucking build itself, you know. Richard gave me some "electronic mails" from Jeff's readers, so I'll just answer them.
From: ShadowCat T. LeNoir
Subject: (no subject)
You suck You couldn’t hack your way out of a paper bag and your spelling is worse learn how to at least write English before doing a web page in English you fucking moron. And since you use the term faggot so much I would assume you are gay and don’t want any of your friends to know. Right asshole.
ShadowCat T. LeNoir
what the FUCK are you babbling about? First off, you damned jackass, I don't even know what a webpage is. I assume its some of that crazy shit on the "internet", but I don't pay any attention to that crap. The only time I care about the "internet" is when they've got them reports on tv about cyber-sex where the sluts take off their clothes and people can watch em through their computer screens. but that shit's too complex, I can just go down to "The Loin Lounge" and pay $10 to see it in person, I don't have to deal with the "internet" and "AOLE" or whatever. And who the fuck are you calling gay? You think just because you're the "PRESIDENT" or some runt-ass company nobody's ever heard of, you can start flinging your shit everywhere? Ive known asshairs like you before, and I watched em die in Nam. Me and John Blackmore was fueling planes at the 43rd Naval Fueling station in Da'Nang, and we saw our share of you fancy ass pretty boys get mowed down by Charlie in the flats. I didn't hear NONE of them dick-rubbers bragging about being president of a company after they had their legs shot up with artillery. And you know what me and John did when pecker fodder like you came back injured? We sprayed diesal fuel all over em and laughed. So take your little "shadowcat technology" and go build yourself some kind of contraption that keeps you from sending your bullshit "electronic mail" crap to hardworking men like me, or I swear to GOD I'll hunt you down and make you drink dog piss.
Subject: Hal0 0r Trib3z 2?
H3y J3phphK I waz w0nd3ring, apht3r l00king at b0th picz 0ph Trib3z 2 and Hal0, I can't d3cid3 which iz b3tt3r and g0ing 2 buy. zinc3 y0u ar3 zuch an 3xp3rt gam3r, and 3v3n waz b3ta t3zting Q2 in th3 80z, I waz w0nd3ring, which iz b3tt3r, in y0ur vi3w. Hal0 0r Trib3z 2?
What the fuck is this, some kind of pansy ass code? Listen, I got enough trouble reading shit with my new glasses, I don't need to be wasting my time trying to figure out your secret code shit. I went to the doc's office the other day cause my eyes aren't so good no more. I was driving and thought I was going over a bridge, but it turned out it was some jerkass's trampoline. Good thing only his neighbor's kids were on it, or I'd be in for some kind of lawsuit or some shit. Anways, I go to the doc and the quack's some kind of nutball, pushing machines and shit in my face and making me read letters or number or hiroglyphics off the walls and all this crazy ass crap. So I says, "Listen here you little know it all fuckshit! I know I need glasses, so stop running all this crazy shit on me to boost up my fucking bill, and give me some glasses!" The doc gets all scared cause he heard about my short fuse from the last doc (he's still in the hospital), and he gives me this piece of paper to get some glasses, right? So I leave and go to get glasses, but I end up stopping and buying a bunch of Jack Daniels instead (Moe's Liquor Barn is on the way home). I forgot to get the glasses, and I think I lost the piece of paper during some broad's lap dance. Sometimes I like to trick those whores by putting fake money in their panties. They're too stupid to tell. You may want to write that last point down.
From: Golden Holt
Subject: (no subject)
Hey Jeff, I was just wondering what you thought of Canadians. My coworkers and I would love to hear about it. Thank you.Griff
First off, my name ain't "JEFF", I'm filling in for that guy, so stop calling me Jeff already. Jesus Christ, people in the "internet" are stupider than those lazy ass fucks across the street. All day, every day, all they do is sit around on their computers and type shit. Don't they have fucking jobs or anything? Probably not. One time one of those dumbasses came over to my place and asked if I had some crazy ass shit like "CAT 9 CABLE" or something queer like that, so I was like "Yeah, sure buddy, I got some right here" and then I hit him in the face with a can of paint. I knocked the dumbass into the bushes (which aren't growing right for some reason, I think they got some disease or shit).
Anyways, I dont care about the Canadians. Their beer sucks, I do know that. One time I was at the "Stop and Chug" down by the corner of 5th and Harper, and some Canadian shit with a turbine was running the place, and he was talking in some crazy ass code too, so I was like "You're in American, you stupid Canadian, speak American!" and the pecker keep going on and on about Lord knows what. So I says, "Fine, you want to speak in your crazy ass code, you do that" and I left the store without paying. I thought I was pretty hot shit that day, but then I remembered I forgot to take anything. Fucking Canadians playing mind games on us redblooded Americans, I should go and kick his shit later.
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.