Jeff K.'s weekly column, appropriately entitled "Ask Jeff K.", deals with all the issues that affect all hardcore gamers and l33t haX0rs out there. If you have a question you'd like to ask, feel free to mail it in. Every letter printed here is in fact real and has actually been sent to Jeff; not a single email has been fabricated or created by the staff.

Let me repeat that again for the sake of emphasis: All of these emails have really been submitted to Jeff K. by real people and have NOT been made up or forged in any way.

WOIW saturday was really a potluck of excitetment, wasent' it? As it seems as if my old EX-FRIEND / NOW FAGOT JERYY has used his MAGIC HACXORING WAND too maek his page go on Something Aweful! WELL JERRY, I GUESS YUOR ARE TEH KING HAX0R NOW but - - - yuo are spreading LIES about me, i am VARY MUCH REALE and aAM NOT LOWTAX!!! Does evarybody want poroof? Well, heRE IT SI!!!

LOWTAXES EMALE: [email protected]
MY EMALE: [email protected]

SEE?!?!?!??! WE HAEV DIFFERANT EMALE ACOUNTS! IF WE WERE TEH SAME PERSON, IT WOULD BE TEH SAME STUPIDS!!! jery thinks I am just jelous of him becuase OF HIS STUPID GIRLFRIEND SARrAH! dONT GO TOO HER HOMEPAEG! I DO NOT THINK SHE IS VARY HOT EVEN THOUGH POPULARe OPINOIN MAY DICTATE THIS AND I NEVER TRIED TO TOUCH HER BOOBS WHEN WE WERE AT TEH PEP RAELLY A WEEK AGO!! DONT LISTAN TO BILL OR RUSS BECUAES THEY"LL LIE ABOUT IT AND SAY I DID BUT GUESS WHO RIDES WITH JERRY ON TEH FAG BUS TOO SCHOOL EVARY DAY?? id like TO USE MY LIFELINE,, REGIS!!!

REGIS: "OKEY, YUO MAY CALL ANYBODY YUO WANT ON TEH PHONE TO TELL YUO WHO RIDES ON TEH FAG BUS WITH JERRY"
ME: "I want too call mistar smarty man JOHN CARMACKE and ask him, he si teh smartiest man on the PLANAT AND HE INVENTED PLANETQUEAKE TOO PROBALY."
REGIS: "OKAY FAG!"
ME: (on phoene): "hello JOHN COARMAKC!"
JOHN: "hello jeff, i was busy programing new Netbus code fro teh DNS entry packets and-"
ME: "SHUT UP JOHN CARMACKE, save yuor smarty talk for jepardy! Now tell me who you think rides teh fagot bus with THAT STUPID JERYY?!?"
JOHN: "well JEFF K>!!!, i'd guess BILL AND RUSS."
ME: "YES BIL AND RUSS REGIS"
REGIS: "congradulatians, you win A MILLIAN DOLARS!"
ME: "THANKS FAG!!!"

I AM TIRED OF THIS, ON WITH THE PARADE OF L33TNES!!!!@#%#^$& AND LOOK AT TEH FIRST LETTAR, IT IS FROM SOMEBODYT FAMOUS AND I DIDANT WRITE IT MYSELF:!!!

From: Cliff Bleszinski
Subject: Hi

Jeff, I'm just a UT fagot. How can I be 1337 like j00?

Cliffy

HELO CLIFF BLEZANKSI, yuo are a vary famous person and thank u for writeing to me vary much sir! I palay Unreale Tournamint vary much evary day and I often try to win hard. I think it si teh very bestest game in the worald and I would liek to play it all day.

OH NO WAIT, I AM NOT A FAGOT AND UNNREALE SUCKS IN REALEITY!!! HOW DO YUO LIKE THEM APPLeS, CLIFFF?

Peoeple oftan ask my why I think Unreale TOurnamint is like a sweaty spider, and my ansawrs are like this:

DOSE UNREALE TORUNATMEYNYT HAVE A QUAD DAMAGE? NO.

does uT have a BFG??? NO.

DOES UT have a Holoduke?!! NO!

AND to top its off, UT uis a COPYCAT OF QUAEK3, which is a vary good game. when u jump, yup do backflips = COPYCATS. there is a TRANSPORTLACTIONARE which is a ripoff of the PERSONALE TELEPORTAR in quaek3! unreale tournamint would be a much bettar game if it WAS MORE LIKE QUAKE3 AND didant copy everything that QUAKE3 DID! and teh interface is JUST LIKE WINDOWS! WHICH IS FOR FAGOTS! I PREFAR quake3;'s intarface because JOHN CARMACKE THINKS: "HEY, I DONT NEED TO MAEK AND INTERFACE WHICH IS EASY TO USE AND ANY DUMMIEY CAN USE IT, I WANTS TO MAKES A INTERFACE REALLEY HARD TOO USE THAT ONLY LUNIX SMARTIES CAN FIGARE OUT" and he did and i am l33t because i know how to PICK A MAP AND PALAY ON IT AND MOST PPL DONT so go jump into paint CLIFFY BLENSKI!!


HELO CLIFF, HARD AT WORK MAKEING UNREALE TOURNAMINT COWS MODALS? NICE GLASSES, FAGOT!


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