Jeff K.'s weekly column, appropriately entitled "Ask Jeff K.", deals with all the issues that affect all hardcore gamers and l33t haX0rs out there. If you have a question you'd like to ask, feel free to mail it in. Every letter printed here is in fact real and has actually been sent to Jeff; not a single email has been fabricated or created by the staff.
Let me repeat that again for the sake of emphasis: All of these emails have really been submitted to Jeff K. by real people and have NOT been made up or forged in any way.
WOIW saturday was really a potluck of excitetment, wasent' it? As it seems as if my old EX-FRIEND / NOW FAGOT JERYY has used his MAGIC HACXORING WAND too maek his page go on Something Aweful! WELL JERRY, I GUESS YUOR ARE TEH KING HAX0R NOW but - - - yuo are spreading LIES about me, i am VARY MUCH REALE and aAM NOT LOWTAX!!! Does evarybody want poroof? Well, heRE IT SI!!!
LOWTAXES EMALE: email@example.com
MY EMALE: firstname.lastname@example.org
SEE?!?!?!??! WE HAEV DIFFERANT EMALE ACOUNTS! IF WE WERE TEH SAME PERSON, IT WOULD BE TEH SAME STUPIDS!!! jery thinks I am just jelous of him becuase OF HIS STUPID GIRLFRIEND SARrAH! dONT GO TOO HER HOMEPAEG! I DO NOT THINK SHE IS VARY HOT EVEN THOUGH POPULARe OPINOIN MAY DICTATE THIS AND I NEVER TRIED TO TOUCH HER BOOBS WHEN WE WERE AT TEH PEP RAELLY A WEEK AGO!! DONT LISTAN TO BILL OR RUSS BECUAES THEY"LL LIE ABOUT IT AND SAY I DID BUT GUESS WHO RIDES WITH JERRY ON TEH FAG BUS TOO SCHOOL EVARY DAY?? id like TO USE MY LIFELINE,, REGIS!!!
REGIS: "OKEY, YUO MAY CALL ANYBODY YUO WANT ON TEH PHONE TO TELL YUO WHO RIDES ON TEH FAG BUS WITH JERRY"
ME: "I want too call mistar smarty man JOHN CARMACKE and ask him, he si teh smartiest man on the PLANAT AND HE INVENTED PLANETQUEAKE TOO PROBALY."
REGIS: "OKAY FAG!"
ME: (on phoene): "hello JOHN COARMAKC!"
JOHN: "hello jeff, i was busy programing new Netbus code fro teh DNS entry packets and-"
ME: "SHUT UP JOHN CARMACKE, save yuor smarty talk for jepardy! Now tell me who you think rides teh fagot bus with THAT STUPID JERYY?!?"
JOHN: "well JEFF K>!!!, i'd guess BILL AND RUSS."
ME: "YES BIL AND RUSS REGIS"
REGIS: "congradulatians, you win A MILLIAN DOLARS!"
ME: "THANKS FAG!!!"
I AM TIRED OF THIS, ON WITH THE PARADE OF L33TNES!!!!@#%#^$& AND LOOK AT TEH FIRST LETTAR, IT IS FROM SOMEBODYT FAMOUS AND I DIDANT WRITE IT MYSELF:!!!
From: Cliff Bleszinski
Jeff, I'm just a UT fagot. How can I be 1337 like j00?
HELO CLIFF BLEZANKSI, yuo are a vary famous person and thank u for writeing to me vary much sir! I palay Unreale Tournamint vary much evary day and I often try to win hard. I think it si teh very bestest game in the worald and I would liek to play it all day.
OH NO WAIT, I AM NOT A FAGOT AND UNNREALE SUCKS IN REALEITY!!! HOW DO YUO LIKE THEM APPLeS, CLIFFF?
Peoeple oftan ask my why I think Unreale TOurnamint is like a sweaty spider, and my ansawrs are like this:
DOSE UNREALE TORUNATMEYNYT HAVE A QUAD DAMAGE? NO.
does uT have a BFG??? NO.
DOES UT have a Holoduke?!! NO!
AND to top its off, UT uis a COPYCAT OF QUAEK3, which is a vary good game. when u jump, yup do backflips = COPYCATS. there is a TRANSPORTLACTIONARE which is a ripoff of the PERSONALE TELEPORTAR in quaek3! unreale tournamint would be a much bettar game if it WAS MORE LIKE QUAKE3 AND didant copy everything that QUAKE3 DID! and teh interface is JUST LIKE WINDOWS! WHICH IS FOR FAGOTS! I PREFAR quake3;'s intarface because JOHN CARMACKE THINKS: "HEY, I DONT NEED TO MAEK AND INTERFACE WHICH IS EASY TO USE AND ANY DUMMIEY CAN USE IT, I WANTS TO MAKES A INTERFACE REALLEY HARD TOO USE THAT ONLY LUNIX SMARTIES CAN FIGARE OUT" and he did and i am l33t because i know how to PICK A MAP AND PALAY ON IT AND MOST PPL DONT so go jump into paint CLIFFY BLENSKI!!
HELO CLIFF, HARD AT WORK MAKEING UNREALE TOURNAMINT COWS MODALS? NICE GLASSES, FAGOT!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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