Dear Backyard Love:

I am at a point where I really want to make the break with my boyfriend. After all the issues and I mean issues in this 7 year relationship I want out. I have always attempted to make breaks but was never successful. I always listen when he comes back to talk, and usually we get back together. We have broken up for the longest 3 months at a time. At this point I am tired of bouncing back and forth (I mean that literally) and want to move on. How can I be successful at breaking for real?

Signed,
Tammie

EL TERROR DE FUEGO: AS I WAS A YOUNG CHILD OF ELVEN YEARS AGO, I TOO DID SEEK KNOWLEDGE OF HOW TO BREAK OPPONENTS INTO TWO PIECES OF EQUAL PROPORTION. I SEEKED WISDOM FROM UNCLE AZAZARI AS HE WAS THE MOST FAMOUS WRESTLER OF HIS AGE, DONNING A DISGUISE AS "MEXICO'S BOAT CAPTAIN" AND BREAKING WRESTLERS BACKS AND WILLS LIKE A HUSK OF CORN UNDER A MIGHTY WATER FOWL. UNCLE AZAZARI DID LIVE INSIDE THE GREAT VOLCANO POMPELEMPAI OR PERHAPS TUSCON, IT IS NOT FOR ME TO REMEMBER.

"MEXICO'S BOAT CAPTAIN" REVEALED TO ME MANY HARSH SECRETS WHICH ARE ONLY KNOWN TO MYSELF AND "MEXICO'S BOAT CAPTAIN" WHO IS CURRENTLY TOO DEAD TO REVEAL SUCH SECRETS AT THE PRESENT. HOWEVER, I SOON LOST SUCH SECRETS AS MY MIND AS MY MIND FORGETS SUCH SIMPLE TASKS AS THE PLACEMENT OF ONES SHOES AND THE PROPER LOCATION REVEALING SUCH STORAGE OF CRITICAL OFFICE SUPPLIES. YET I STILL RETAIN FONDEST MEMORIES OF "MEXICO'S BOAT CAPTAIN", AND BREAKING SPINES FOR HIS MOST HONOR.

AS TO A CONCLUSION, MY ADVICE TO YOU WOULD BE TO ATTACK FROM SIDE, DISABLING OPPONENT BY LUNGING A QUICK BLOW TO THE HEAD THEN MAKING WITH TWO HANDEDS ON BOTH SPINAL AREA UNTIL A QUICK SNAP REVEALS NEW BODY FLUIDS LEAKING FROM THE BACK OF THE ENEMY. SOON YOU WILL HAVE TWO PIECES, AND CLEAN BREAK IS A SUCCESS, AND YOU CAN RETURN TO LUXURY OF WELFARE LINE OFFICE.

REVOLUTIONARY SCARECROW: I care not about your petty problems. I am part of a revolution. One of a great magnitude. An uprising which will sweep the world by force. First the pigs act a big "strange." Next you notice a peculiar oddity amongst the horses. Soon the cows exhibit odd symptoms. The revolution spreads. The barn burns. Precious grain is stolen. You are incapable of stopping this.

You are filth. You are a lout. You are a failure. You are incapable of sustaining a relationship with another human being. Nobody likes you. I don't like you. You should never dare to enter the ring with myself and legions of followers. You will be thrust to the Heavens, only to arrive back on Earth with my pitched blade through your chest. This is the fate that will await you. This is the fate that will await your boyfriend. I care not about your petty problems. I am part of a revolution.

Dear Backyard Love:

It was recently discovered that my best friend was having an affair with my boyfriend for at least 6 months. I have since cut her out off my life but can't yet find the strength to let him go. We have a young child together and I don't know if I can do this without him. I love them both very much but I am not willing give her a second chance although he has hurt me more than once in the past. Am I just being a fool by trying to work things out with him? And should my friend be given another chance? I am really stuck so to get another perspective would be great.

Signed,
Forgive or Move On?

MC CAUCASIAN GHOST: sup, damn, dont hate tha playah, bizzatachacetaaactch. Man, you tricks be played out, hear? Shit, mah niggahs and me were cold chillin at Eastwood Mall last Friday and these fly honies came up to us and were like, "yo yo yo wassup" and Im like "yo yo yo wassup?" and they be like "yo wassup, aint nothin" so we get tha hookup and hit tha Food Court. Mikey D gets all sick on corndogs an mah niggah start puking into da fountain an I was like "DAAAAAAMN HOLMES" and we turn around and tha ladys be runnin away cuz mall securty's comin an they be afraid we gonna get busted for all the cold syrup we stole from Von's.

I be kickin' it with mah whiteboy charms,
chillin with the possee by Hickory Farms
I be pullin out da gat, so don't be no hero.
We bust our way in to watch Pokemon Two-triple-zero.
I play all you bitches, so get outta my hair,
Else I'll get some barbed wire and beat ya with a chair.
I take you in da ring and beat you to death.
(something something something) breath. I cant think of no rhymes for dat one, nigaah

so dump that niggah and hook up with me, unless yo tubby, bitch. then hook yo fat ass up with the pizza delivery faggot, niggah.

Dear Backyard Love:

Me and my girlfriend have been going out for about 6 months and before me and her started going out she was going out with this other guy. He was making sexual comments about her that aren't true and I went to him and I told him to leave her alone or I would have to take him out. I got suspended from school for that comment and now I am concerned now that she has feelings for him even though he was making sexual comments about her and I didn't like that. Now he wants to try to be friends with her and me so I have no clue what to do right now. I am very confused after he did that and now he wants to be friends with us. I am getting the feeling that she is beginning to have feelings for him. need some advice. I am willing to forgive him because I go to church and we are supposed to forgive people but I have clue what to do. If you could please just give me some advice.

Signed,
Jeff Needs Advice

REVOLUTIONARY SCARECROW: Let me assure you. The sexual comments he made are true. I am a revolutionary. I am a lover. I lead the animals to justice. I lead my enemies to the turnbuckle. I lead my lovers to my "Little Piggy." The sexual comments he made are true.

FUCK YOU NINJA!!!: The freedom that one receives during the act of forgiveness outweighs any possible BULGING COCK negative consequences. The Lord says, "May he who hasth BUTTFUCK BUTTFUCK MY BUTT never sinned casth the first SHIT WHORE DICK DICK DICK HAHAHA DICK!!!" Your church should undoubtedly support the notion that faith and forgiveness can PUT MY PENIS IN A BIRDHOUSE, HOSE BIRDHOUSE HOSE AUGH AGH ACK UGH MOOOOOOOOOO I'M A FUCKING COW.

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