Dance Dance Karnov v1.0
It was crisp, Autumn day when Karnov decides to visit local maltshop at BIG CITY, USA.
"Mummpheek," Karnov declared. "Mmmrrrm aglra brrplttd fffrprapna." Like usuals Karnov mouth was packed full of hams sandwiches and whisky, a delicacy of his liking.
"Oh Karnov," laughed from a kindly old man runs the maltshop. "You're a cracker up, large one!"
Suddenly Earthshaking became, and dishes rattle from ceiling! Karnov runs outside to investigate occurance! A enemy! Oh no!
"You'd receive a generous come-uppance!" shouted Karnov while flexing muscletone. "My powers increase from the dance, and soon I will dance your head until the ground!!! For your attempts to destroy my preferred maltshop!"
But the evil did not stop and continue to terrorize the BIG CITY, USA! First a Green Fish Guy With a Bag and Hand Down Pants explodes on city, then... well, the secret Boss! Hurry up and make Karnov dancing to defeat evil! It up to you! You can do it and save BIG CITY, USA!
Instructions: There are two levels in this game. In each level, you must DANCE YOUR FAT WHITE ASS AROUND FOR FREEDOM!
The computer will play a series of beats, with various arrows keys lighting up each beat. Once it plays the set of beats, you must emulate the series that you just saw (like the classic frustrating game "Simon Says"). If you hit 80% of the beats correctly, then your power will raise by one bar. Each time your power raises up two bars, you get a piece of the "Item" used to defeat the bad guy of that level. You need three pieces to beat him. In other words, your power bar must be up at least six notches by the end of the level, or else you will lose. BOO HOO!
You can get bonuses by playing the beats back perfectly, and you can also get bonuses by pressing the corresponding arrow key repeatedly (for example, if the current beat requires you to press the DOWN key, you'll get bonuses for each time you press it. Be careful not to hold down the arrow key, as that's CHEATING, YOU BASTARD). If you press the wrong arrow keys too many times during a series, your character will become "frozen" and unable to perform due to his intense embarrassment. Please don't embarrass Karnov.
Problems / errors:
Q: Help! I press the arrow keys on my keyboard, but Karnov doesn't dance!
A: Make sure the Flash window is currently active (click on the screen just to make sure). If that doesn't work, make sure your keyboard numberlock is OFF.
Q: The beats and the music don't sync correctly!
A: Flash is a CPU hog. On some low-end machines, it will not sync right. To counteract this, right click on the Flash screen and change the level of detail to either "medium" or "low".
Q: I can't get into the dumptruck in level 4.
A: You're playing the wrong game. There are only two levels in Dance Dance Karnov, and there are no dumptrucks.
Q: I think my wife is cheating on me.
A: More than likely.
Q: Where the hell did all these fucked up enemies come from? I mean, what the hell is that Dancing Green Fish Guy With a Bag and a Hand Down His Pants?
A: All enemies were taken directly from the classic Nintendo game, Karnov. In addition, the music is based off it as well. For screenshots from Karnov, check out Jeff K.'s "Quake 3 Arena vs. Karnov" game review, which provides screenshots that I based my animations of off.
Q: I want to play Karnov!
A: Sorry, you'll have to rephrase that in the form of a question.
Q: Why the hell is this game taking so long to load? I'm wasting valuable time sitting around, when I could be looking at Goatse.cx.
A: I apologize, but my server seems to made up primarily of taffy. One day when I get enough cash to buy a new server, this question will be rendered null and void. Until then, feel free to get some work done while it loads.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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