Dear Backyard Love:

I am 19 and I go to college. I have a guy friend who I like and we have been friends for awhile. I have noticed after awhile that he really likes this other girl. I know that what I have is just a crush but I don't want to be there when he is thinking about her and I don't want to stop being friends with him either because I like being his friend. Please write me back with your advice.

Signed,
A Hopeless Romantic

DIAMOND DOILY DANSWORTH: Hello young lady! If I had children, perhaps you could bare me a grandchild I could set upon my knee and regal them with stories of the days when wrestling was not about chairs being set on fire and foolish miscreants leaping from a garagetop owned by their parents. The days when a good knee-twist and a figure-four went hand in hand with your basic take-down and arm-back pin. Today, those big-time leagues have made wrestling into a circus act, with all manners of "finishing moves" and emphasis on backstage shenanigans, rather than the beauty of man-to-man competition. It beleaguers my heart, this disgrace, and someday I hope to exact revenge on the spoliers of such a noble sport while I peruse through their garbage.

Moving forward, young lass, I think you two should be married. You cannot jump right into a marriage bed based on lust, there must be a deep friendship... along with an engagement ring and wedding band, of course! I'd recommend a sterling silver band and an 8-caret diamond, cut for clarity, not width. Take care when examining the setting-place, as a skimpy placement makes for easy breakage potential. As my daughter, I could have gotten you a very deep discount at Heritage Memories Jewelers, my former place of employmnt, but I do not work there anymore, as I was framed for crimes I did not commit. And I was caught engaging in oral pleasures with various cleaning utilities the janitorial staff utilized.

Be sure to buy a watchband while in any jewelry, they always come in handy during a hog-tie or a wild night in slumber! Stay well, darling, and think of me next time you take out your garbage to the street curb!

Dear Backyard Love:

I have been with my boyfriend for eight months. The problem is, when we have sex he never lasts more than five minutes. He says he's had this problem for as long as he can remember, but I can't help but wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Is there anything I can do to make it last longer?

Signed,
Guilty in Gustavo

EL TERROR DE FUEGO:IF HE SAYS HE HAD PROBLEM LONG AS HE REMEMBERED PERHAPS HE IS MY LONG LOST BROTHER? I HAVE HAD PROBLEM AS WELL WITH MY BRAINS AND SPEED! MY SPEED LIKE FIRE GOES FASTER WITH TIME! DURING THE RUNNING TIME MY SPEED GREW WITH EACH RUNNING! NOW THE POWER, IT BURNS IN THE RING! TWISTING YOUR KNEECAPS YOU CAN NEVER EXPECT WIN UNLESS IT IS TO DEATH CENTER AND BURNING DISCOUNT! HA HA! YOUR PEACE HAS SHATTERED AS SO MUCH COMFORT AS YOU ARE COUNTED OUT, 1, 2, 3!

THE SPEED! IN FIVE MINUTES IS A TIME THAT LADY MARITA SAYS I RUN BACK TO COUNTRY FOR WATER, WHICH IS GRAND DEFEAT FOR ANY IN MY PATH! THIS IS THE TRUE SPEED OF THE FIRE BURNING, MY COUNTRY, IT WEEPS FOR MY DEFEAT! I MUST NOT DEFEAT MY COUNTRY OR MY LADY. A FIRE SWEEPS AND BURNS A VILLAGE BECAUSE OF MY FEET? REVENGE IS THE ORDER OF THE DAY! NOW TELL ME MORE OF MY BROTHER, SO WE MAY LIGHT FIRE TO ASTROTURF SIDE-BY-SIDE! WITH OUR SHEER SPEED OF RUNNING! MY BROTHER, ASSIST MY TOP ROPE AS WE PLUNGE TO VICTORY! DISCLOSE THE WHEREABOUTS OF MY BROTHER OR I SHALL CREATE HOLES IN YOUR BODY WHERE HOLES DID PREVIOUSLY NOT EXIST!

MC CAUCASIAN GHOST: Girl gotta have it, yo? All yo fault if he bustin' nut too soon, cause you STANK but I do yaz anywayz. Shit bitch, if it's speed yaz need I can bust mah JOHNSON out and start slammin' in my crib day or night, booty baby. I'm so down with fly honies they take MC Caucasian and suck the little ghost wit da most before every match, so yaz best get in line! I've got mah gun cocked after winnin' a match, and it ain't my WWII handgun. Know what I sayin'? I can pin you in less than five mins, babe, pin yo legs hind your ears and get BUSY. Know what I sayin'? IM me hun. gotta go, I got hizzzzstory homework, latah.

Dear Backyard Love:

My girlfriend recently broke it off with me after ten months of continuous happiness. I really haven't been handling it well, mainly because previously if I had a problem I would discuss it with her and everything would be better. But when I talk to my friends all I get is jokes and bad advice. The only reason she offers is that she "needs her space". If that were the only reason why wouldn't she want to work it out with me? And I can't really discuss it with her because she sends up her "I need space" flag. What do I do?

Signed,
Confused in Costa Mesa

REVOLUTIONARY SCARECROW: You must not accept this "I need space flag." Instead you must raise the flag of the revolution. The flag of freedom. The farms are the kindling. I am the flame. The fire of freedom must burn from your heart. I will start with the animals. They see the way. Their minds are not clouded by media brainwash. I tell them. They listen. Orders are carried out with due justice. My pitchfork in the ring is the same. Quickly. Deadly. You will not pin me without cause. My knowledge is too great. I swiftly anticipate your ignorance. I enforce a Million Dollar Dream upon your neck. A Razor's Edge which breaks your back. The all-purpose DDT will allow my pitchfork ample time to sever your vocal cords. No screaming. No guilt. No time to wash away the dirt and blood. The revolution takes precedence. Myself I am the messenger. The animals will captain my army. Join late and you are mere scout. You must join me in this noble quest. Bear the flag of freedom. You must raise the flag of the revolution. You must not accept this "I need space flag."

– Backyard Love

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