Dear Backyard Love

my partner and i have recently decided to take part in the swinging scene, as an extension to our relationship. it was a decision that we talked at length about and both agreed on. unfortunatley,i am of the disposition that i can take it or leave it and my partner is the one 'left' looking for couples and arranging meets. we have talked about the many issues that have arisen,but i still feel that it is more of his lifestyle than mine, and although i want and have taken part in meeting two couples, i feel that if i say no he will take it as a personal rebuff.more a case of dont do it sometimes, it's either all the time or nothing... how can i explain how i feel, to myself and to my partner, without putting a stop on something that we both enjoy, but limiting it to an occasional occurance, without being made to feel guilty or a prude.

-a confused swinger (!)

55-Gallon Kong:i first make you realize that a swinging is a fine purrsuit enjoyed by donkey kong and his son donkey kong jr i saw donkey kong jr. at an arcade and it he said i am the son and swung from a vine like you swing with these couples but i refuse to believe donkey kong would cage himself or be caged by a man. no one can cage him because it is like trying to trap the oil in the barrel which you cannot do i put a barrel full of wax and i let it simmer for hours while i watch the glowing come out of my fingers and into the sky and they go into donkey kongs beehive and then he uses a properller to inject the flies with gas which is stored in a barrel via a hot air tube. donkey kong believes in barrells and if you through a couple of barrells at this couple they will be boweled over ha ha

when donkey kong plays ping pong it is ping kong

ok no i think you need to tell your husband you are guilty of this crime and say you were kidnapped by a donkey kong would be go and save you from a construction site. i saw a bag of sand at a construction site and showed them how my knees bend backwards and they werent impressed so a grabbed a hammer and became invincible. not even donkey kong can fight a hammer at least in theory. i had a colecovision but the power switch actually i still have it but the power switch i decided to replace with the skin peeling off my eyeball and its coated for protection so practice safe sex because I saw that once on tv and there was a donkey kong cereal once and i no longer have elbows but i can still elbow drop you top rope. your prude disposition result in barrel to crouch son of god I mean donkey kong.

Dave "The Domesticator" Holewinski: I have always expected my women to have sex with whomever I told them to have sex with and not to go complaining about it. They have always obeyed because they knew that if they didn't they'd get a good pan-slappin' to the mouth. I don't understand why you would be reluctant to do what the man of the house wants you to do but if you cared to step into the ring with me I'd give you a learnin' you would not soon forget. The last thing that this world needs is more uppity females thinking that they can just go around choosing whether or not they want to listen to their husbands. In the bible it calls for women to obey their husbands and if you were my woman I'd sure make you obey alright. I'd make you obey like there's no tomorrow. As it is I think you deserve a good smack and dammit if you ever come around to my neck of the woods I'll make sure that you get what's coming to you. And then some.

Dear Backyard Love,

My husband and I are stuck in a marriage that is going nowhere. I am ready to leave him, but I really love him. Yet I find that I don't want to make an effort to show it because he's cheated on me, and little things he does keeps reminding me of what he's done to hurt me. I feel he should try harder to make our marriage work. at first I tried to make it work, feeling it would take a greater effort on my part. I thought everything would be ok, thinking it was a case of my husband feeling he had been neglected, and, although I see this as a form of weakness (he going outside the marriage to find love instead of us working things out and becoming closer), I thought things were getting better. they are not.....I don't trust him anymore, I guess I cannot forgive him and I feel he's still cheating. What should I do? Should I go ahead and divorce him (I will not get a separation because I cannot be married and see another man) or should I stay in a failed marriage as I see it?

- Lost in The Middle in Tuscon

Pyrocules: Dear Lost in the Middle,

I have never been to Tuscon so I do not know the traditions for handling things there. But I will erect a temple in my honor if this will help you and understand the might of mighty Pyrocules!!! Worshipping me can be a mixed blessing sometimes, because the fires will burn the ones you love! I have burned many in my days and you shouldn't be afraid to burn bridges either. I burned Count Smackula good after a mix up and a bad call by the judges sent me to a hospital. Hug Bug, if you're reading this you have another thing coming and that thing is THE HEAT. The Heat will be on at next week's Pine Grove Valley Championship in Scott's backyard!! Don't even try to use your Doom Hug, my spine can handle it and my fires will leave you some smoldering timbers. There are going to be four hits and the match will be over. I will hit Office Depot before the match, my lighter fluid of Olympus will hit 500 sheets of Abercromby 100 Pound Off-White Photo Paper, my fire of Olympus will hit the paper and set it on fire, and that fire will hit you and you'll hit the mat! Read it and weep mortals!

Rage King Bull: Good news for you that I'm in town, fathead! I say dump that chump and get with this stud, screwball! I am going to dance at your funeral and then who will be laughing? HA HA HA! Me, that's right, you got that right you big sissy! My parents got divorced last year and I think it's my fault, Spiderman! So I'm telling you now there is nothing you can do for that relationship that I can't do fifty-eight times better! You hear what I'm saying you big loser?! Huh?! You hear that?! That's the sound of my feet tap dancing on your skeleton, geekoid. If you have kids it's good for them too because they get twice as many presents at Christmas and birthdays, blockhead! You will eat your words when you step into the ring with me!

Dear Backyard Love,

I met a guy I really like, and the feelings are mutual. But there are a few things standing in our way: He is Caucasian, I am African-American. He was raised in a preppie environment, and I was raised around a lot of different people. We have very different ideas about a variety of subjects. We don't want to hurt each other if this doesn't work out. How can we put our differences aside and learn to be equal partners?

- Racially cool

REVOLUTIONARY SCARECROW:Do not let the color of your skin stand in your way. Do not let your differences in background hinder you. It is imperative that you trust me. I have teamed up with many of my own species. I have also teamed up with pigs. Together we fight the revolution. In the wrestling ring you will die at my hands. But as a friend. We stand together against the government. I fight for what is right next to a cow. It matters not. This cow is noble. I will not fight side by side with a horse of impure thoughts. But his mare may be saved. You may be saved. We fight together. I have a hayloft. The training begins. When I fight for a title I am prepared. In the ring your Caucasian may be beaten like a Rooster. But I will fight with this Rooster against oppression next week. You will not hurt each other. I will not hurt you. I will hurt you if you step into the ring with me.

Your different ideas must be remedied by overthrowing your respective governments. Only will the true barnyard backyard rule survive the next 390 day cleansing period. You will be equal. We will all be equal. It is imperative that you trust me. Do not let your differences in background hinder you. Do not let the color of your skin stand in your way.

Bruce "Angry Beekeeper" Olsen:I just can't understand why they kept putting me in there. I cried and cried but they never answered. I was so hungry and it was so dark but my friends gave me their sweet food to eat and I was very grateful. Oh my friends, how kind you were to me. I loved you so much! I hope you remember the way we used to sing songs together about flowers and sunshine and bees because you were bees and that is what bees sing about. It didn't matter that I didn't speak your bee-language because we both spoke the language of love and you told be about how I could punish those who were cruel to me. Well I listened to you, my friends! Your lives were not in vain! I listened well and soon they will pay.

Do not let the fact that you are each a different race affect your love or your relationship.

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