3. Beef Spaghetti
A tangle of appeals and filings and requests for stays brought you to this point, but when the courts had washed their hands you were left with a different sort of tangle: this tangled double scoop of delicious noodles with a salty beef, tangy red sauce and the unctuous, pasty texture of noodles cooked extra dante. Paired with a seasonal canned vegetable or a slice of white bread and a carton of milk.
As you enjoy this meal, savor the textures and smells. You've eaten spaghetti hundreds of times in your life, now is the time to experience spaghetti. If only we were more like that spaghetti. When we're all unraveled by the cruelties of time let's hope we leave an appetizing red smear that can be mopped up with torn hunks of Wonderbread.
2. One Dozen Hotdogs and a Coca Cola
According to a recent decision by the appellate court, the state is now required to furnish you with up to one (1) dozen hotdogs and a beverage. These hotdogs will be boiled. They will be served with up to three condiments. If your Coca Cola is not enough to lubricate your throat then you can have a cup of water from the bathroom tap.
Don't order more hotdogs than you think you can eat. You get those big "I can eat anything" eyes that people about to be murdered by society always get and you just think you can eat your way through anything. A dozen hotdogs is a lot more than you think when you add up all that bread. It's really the bread that gets you.
Well, the bread and the Pentobarbital animal sedative the state is using to kill you against the objections of the drug manufacturer. Mostly the Pentobarbital.
1. Ham and Cheese Pita
Sure as coastal dwellers must return to the sea of their youth, so must our doomed palates return to the classic flavors of ham and cheese. Simplicity, served here in a microwave-warmed pocket of oozing cheese discharging from the velvety lips of a ham. Perfectly paired with a carton of 2% milk and a chopped nest of boiled broccoli.
Just a dash of salt brings out the flavors of the vegetable. As you bite into this gooey pita you will wonder if you died and went to heaven. Not yet, my friend, but if you beg forgiveness god may see you to the land of as many pitas as you can eat.
Whatever you choose for your last meal be sure to consider it carefully: you'll have to live with your decision for the rest of your life. Fortunately, that's wrapping up here real quick.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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