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Bad news, Adverse Interests, LLC. Your Nion, Bats!, has died in the field. Please review the asset profile and make the arrangements that apply.


Customer Comments:

"What can you say? Bats are a classic. Perfect for lairs and operations alike. I prefer mine released from a zeppelin hidden in a black cloud to swoop down on London by the thousands."
- Fritz Brackenvile, mad inventor (Walt Disney)

"They can't be trained, they don't do tricks, but they look amazing issuing from a cave in a screeching, twisting whirlwind of flapping wings."
- Al Gore Clone, mastermind (An Inconvenient Wrath)

Bats!

AKA: Halloween Lair Upgrade, Surprise Bats, Super Bats, Bat Menace, Screeching Bats, Guano Makers, Those Darn Bats, Ohhhh Bats, Not Birds, Hate Pigeons, Flying Hair Pears, Mad Kiwis, Fuck!

Customer Score: 76% (rate)

Availability: More Units Available!

Capabilities: Screeching, turning right upon exiting the cave, terrifying simple natives, portending omens, producing guano (a key ingredient in Sunny D), flapping, biting, impersonating birds at a distance, potentially spreading rabies to your enemies, and top score at hanging upside down.

Equipment: Mouse body, wings, and fuck off giant ears so big they can see things.

Special Training/Notes: Bats, like the wind, can only be harnessed and never tamed. Gold bats are unfortunately no longer available because of a UK-wide ban on the paint used. Giant bats are still available, but you must provide the growth serum or radioactive waste at least 5 weeks in advance.

Asset Liquidation Clause: In the event of asset liquidation in the field, a payment totaling $1000 is to be paid to Agape Church of Saint Dracula the Levitator.


Circumstance of Contract Liquidation:

The Territorial Navy, working in conjunction with MI35, pursued the freighter into the Channel. As gun boats closed in on the ship, the secret compartment opened releasing the old Adverse Interests Terror Sphere Hovership carrying the press beneath it. After some difficulty with the lifter graviton pods, the Terror Sphere arose. Pursuing helicopters were prevented from following by the release of more than a thousand bats directly into their rotors. The penny press was taken back to the secret (more)


– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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