First and foremost, make sure your "fly whip" isn't possessed by a demonic force. An evil car will quickly destroy your street credibility by systematically running over everyone on the streets you're trying to impress, starting with the sassy black women and working its way up to the ultra-hip graffiti artists/liberal arts majors who own custom windshield decals of Allen Ginsberg quotes that optimize the drag coefficients of their parents' minivans. Additionally, Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal" video shows us that some people actually have the innate ability to morph into cars. This sort of occurrence is generally as rare as it is incredibly homosexual, but believe me, nothing ruins an exciting session of simulated stick shifting like finding out you were giving some creepy shape-changing male antique dealer a phenomenal handjob the entire time.
The game will occasionally try to "flip the script" on you by secretly replacing girl at the starting line with a break dancing female undercover police officer. Always try to seduce her with your suave charm and street racing ways. Should you find that for some reason the game engine doesn't allow you to exist as a temporal entity outside of your car, feel free to reinterpret these instructions as "run the fucking bitch over repeatedly".
Protip: Press the 83 unused keys on your keyboard to hear hilarious farting sounds!
For more tips refer to the "Outlaw Manual" .pdf file included with the game. Now, if you grew up on the streets like Taylor "Psychosis" Bell and I, you're probably saying to yourself "Hey, I don't need no motherfuckin' manual to show me how to be an outlaw!" but trust me, you can't go wrong with something that contains advice like this:
"Sure, you can steer, but the best option is to head straight for the finish, one quarter mile ahead. If you collide with the other car, the race will stop and you’ll be assessed a damage penalty. So keep your foot on the pedal and your eyes on the finish line."
Car Upgrades Guide
You'll notice that some upgrades improve your car's performance whereas others boost your "respect" rating. That means if you die in a tragic subwoofer explosion, some of the other racers will say they're going to pour out a 40 in your honor before remembering that they're too young to buy alcohol and need to get home for their 11:00 curfew.
Spoiler - For a considerable price, the spoiler will minimize aerodynamic lift on the rear axle. This is especially helpful on low gravity tracks such as the Phobos Iridium Mines/Ghetto. Aligning your spoiler in the direction of the holy city of Mecca allows you to summon the wrath of Allah, who destroys your opponents in a dazzling display of particle effects and glowing nimbi that uses all of your magic points and takes 16 hours to finish.
Tinted Windows - For a considerable price, these windows will conceal the 11 Pakistani indentured child laborers you're smuggling into Florida while simultaneously keeping out such pesky intruders as light and air molecules. Be advised that this will dramatically decrease visibility in in-car camera mode until you install Car Upgrade: AMAZING X-CAM 2!! LETS YOU VIEW OBJECTS OUTSIDE OF YOUR CAR INTERSPERSED WITH A CONSTANTLY SCROLLING IMAGE OF A NAKED SUPERMODEL!! GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOUR GROIN NAUSEOUS!!
Nitrous - For a considerable price, a nitrous tank will propel your car into an incredible world of high-octane thrills where the traditional laws of speed don't apply. Even though they didn't really apply to begin with, since this game's physics and collision detection code have been ported over from the Moon Patrol engine. This upgrade was officially rated "Ass-Grippingly Awesome" by a focus group of zombies who had just finished eating the brains of Vin Diesel's stunt double.
You Will Read This Headline. Then You'll Laugh. Then You'll Realize You Were Wrong All Along.
'We’re going to be in trouble!' Little Sister wailed, clutching her favorite book to her chest and sobbing. 'This isn’t fun like a story anymore!' But Big Sister was not listening, she was thinking. She grabbed Little Sister’s book from her and ran into town, yelling 'Help! A book made me and my sister hurt someone!'
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.