Know Your Opponents
After undergoing plastic surgery in order to stop being recognized in public as "that inbred guy from The Andy Griffith Show", George "Goober" Lindsey has returned to his first love of street racing. A fierce competitor, Lindsey has been known to violently assault other racers if he suspects they are in league with the psychic Eskimos that sabotaged his acting career. He plans on using his race earnings to start a celebrity E/N website for sharing his valuable insight on such poignant topics as "Why are women only attracted to jerks?" and "Racism is bad (unless it's directed at Eskimos)".
Buffy is a self-aware cybernetic organism engineered by Tandy Computers under a government contract to create robot femme fatale that would put the "ass" in assassin and destroy enemy tanks with the power of NAKED. She illegally drag races to raise awareness of environmental concerns and drug abuse while promoting Tandy TRC-500 Walkie Talkies and other quality Tandy products.
Burn Out is a homeless midget who agreed to be in this game on the grounds that it wouldn't involve him being fired out of a cannon. Each Midnight Outlaw Illegal Street Drag purchase gets him 4 cents in royalties closer to his lifelong dream of creating enough clones of himself to collectively devour an entire giraffe.
Very little is known about Diesel other than that his real name was Sparky Ferguson until he had it legally changed in 1998 hoping it would increase his chances of being hired as mascot of Bob's Discount Gas & Flea Market Emporium. This racer can easily be defeated and reduced to tears by installing Car Upgrade: Sounds of Laughter.
After being brutally murdered by a gang of street thugs, Charlie Sheen has returned as a supernatural drag racer to avenge his death. Unfortunately, this means he can only harvest the souls of stupid teenagers who have sex underneath cars because they're insane. Insanely good at having fun, that is!
Hironobu Sakaguchi's Brain
By the year 2024, Squaresoft has become the most powerful corporation on earth, due largely to ruthless business practices like kidnapping their rivals' families and telling them to come rescue them IF THEY DARE!! From its new home inside a hovering robot skull that shoots out giant maggots, Hironobu Sakaguchi's giant brain orchestrates a deadly conspiracy that extends to the very top of the Midnight Outlaw Syndicate. Although fiercely loyal to Squaresoft, Sakaguchi's true motives remain unclear.
Best known for his appearance in Sega's Emmy Award-winning Metropolis Street Racer ad, Driver A makes a cameo as a hidden racer in this game. Pretty much all we know about Driver A is that he's Jesus reincarnated as a karate chopping male stripper with rock hard abs that could seduce Hitler. Also, various female Japanese superheroes have told us that he smokes Camel Lights.
This concludes my Midnight Outlaw Illegal Street Drag strategy guide. You may use this sentence to transition back into your daily activities by focusing on these soothing words and letters until the adrenaline rush wears off.
The CEO of Lobstero, makers of the expensive home Lobster System, responds to recent unfavorable headlines about hand-squeezing a lobster out of one of the company's Lobster Packs.
Should you call someone a Nazi? The answer will surprise you.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.