Chapter Four - The Queen's KnickersA broadside hits Sassy Bay's only bank.A massive explosion erupted from the bank building in Sassy Bay, probably due to the cannon being fired from the port side of the Salty Wench. Several British soldiers were flung into the air, landing in the bay injured but still alive. Not so fortunate was the captain of the guard, who happened to be between Daring the Scarlet and the landing boat that would return him to his ship.
"Have at you," said the captain in a voice that was so lisping it made that Interior Designs guy's skin crawl even though he never heard it. Seriously, I can't emphasize enough how gay he sounded.
"Those will be yer last words," said Daring the Scarlet, his voice sounding very much whatever the opposite of gay is.
With two slashes of his cutlass Daring the Scarlet sliced off the captain's hand and then his face. The captain collapsed in agony on the dock and Daring the Scarlet took the opportunity to run him through and then kick him into the bay. He then turned to his men, some of whom were brawling with the few remaining guards, the rest of them were carrying overflowing chests of English gold. Holly McClaren was there too, repeatedly aiming a pistol and pulling the trigger even though Daring the Scarlet had been sure to give her a flintlock with no ammunition. She had insisted on coming and had nagged him so constantly to play some part that he would have willingly given up his non-hook hand to be able to shut her up. She kept talking endlessly about how empowered the adventure was making her feel and he was already seriously considering keel-hauling her once they escaped out to sea.
"Quickly ye sea dogs," shouted Daring the Scarlet. "To the launch and leave no bleedin' Brit standing!"
Before the remaining British could call upon the reserves at the barracks on the other side of town, Daring the Scarlet and his band of pirates had already lifted anchor and escaped Sassy Bay. To ensure their escape the pirates shot holes in the unmanned British ships moored at the docks as they passed.
"Arrrr," said Daring the Scarlet. "Was a narrow escape, but we have enough booty here to live like kings for at least a full week!"
The pirates gave up a cheer and Holly McClaren pressed close to the ruggedly handsome pirate, basking in the charm and adventure that oozed from his pores like those worms in Indonesia that lay their eggs in your eye sockets.
Good day. We are Hester and Karl, and we are something rare. We are a couple ... of Stock Photo Lifestylists! Lifestylers? We lead a Stock Photo Lifestyle.
I want my bed to look like the health department is checking for bedbugs. I want to feel like it’s on an episode of Maury getting scanned for semen.
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.