Thanks to the "Bonus Gravity" provided by the apartment complex, whomever moves in above me will weigh approximately nine times their normal weight. To remind me that you got the "Bonus Gravity" deal, please make sure to stomp your huge, ham-filled feet every step you take. If I cannot track your current location to within a centimeter, you aren't doing your job.
When not watching television, you should take it off the TV stand and face it, screen down, at the floor. Make sure to turn the volume up as loud as possible. If I cannot hear what lesson Kimmy Gibbler learned today on "Full House", I will petition for your eviction.
The best time for your idiot friends to come over is between 2:00 and 8:00 am or whenever I'm sleeping. Once you see my lights turn off, make sure your crazy pal Eddie is on his way over with that DVD of "The World's Largest Explosions - Caught on Film!"
All of your phones must have their ringer hooked up to a bass guitar amplifier. This way, when your phone rings for the 10,000th consecutive time without you picking it up, I will realize you must've accidentally tripped over and broke your 1500-pound skull on the coffee table and I should probably alert the proper authorities.
When shutting doors, pretend the Grim Reaper himself is chasing you throughout your house. Slam them as hard as possible to prevent him from sneaking into your place causing the hundreds of filthy plants you own to die.
Taking a shower at 3:00 am is perfectly acceptable. Since my apartment is lined with hundreds of different pipes which carry water to approximately 17 different countries, make sure to urge your friends to take showers at the same time.
Every day at 8:00 pm, you should drop something large and heavy such as:
A refrigeratorA wheelbarrow full of lead and concreteRaymond Burr's casketA month's collection of all the Slim Jims and Yoohoo you consumeThe entire world
If you don't have access to any of those items, then just trip and fall over. Try to at least be holding some cinder blocks while doing so.
When speaking to a friend who has come over to visit and toss bowling balls around your apartment, make sure to use a megaphone whenever laughing at something he says. This way I'll know your friend is a very funny and witty man (who cannot catch bowling balls).
The "bass" knob on your stereo stand for "Better Acoustic Sounding Songs" and should be cranked up as loud as possible to reflect quality. Try to listen only to rap, techno, and anything which features a kick drum the size of a delivery van. If the song has lyrics, you should turn the bass up so high that it sounds like the the singer is repeatedly chanting, "mwog bbblrrgm gwaf."
Don't ever leave your apartment. Ever. California air is known for its trace amounts of cyanide floating around in it, so it's safer for you to simply hibernate in there for the next nine years.
Much like in exciting video games, hitting surrounding objects with a hammer may reveal magic prizes hidden inside. Smack everything you can find with a hammer or large wooden board. Then smack the wooden board with a hammer because, who knows, it might be a trick.
When the power in the entire complex goes out at 10:00 PM and you notice everybody else's lights are off, be sure to shout, "DID THE POWER GO OFF?!?" out your window. There could be a family a few miles away that still has power, in which case you could go over to their house and borrow a cup of electricity so you may operate the jackhammer you've got going in your kitchen.
Throwing your trash off your deck is perfectly acceptable. Don't worry about the crap ending up on my porch; the invisible laser grid between our floors will instantly vaporize it before it has a chance to land!
Finally: an advice column for the rest of us! (Who seek to enslave humanity.)
Even the most fervent gun control advocate would admit that guns kill people, not other guns. We must become the guns we wish to see in the world.
A Goon outs himself as a wizard and gets a warm reception from the rogues/rangers/paladins gallery!
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.