Ever-aware reader Fallen One sent in the following email, alerting me to a website which changed my life forever.
From: Mr. No
Subject: a REALLY awful site
God.. help.. us.. all..
we shouldn't be worried about gun control or mature rated games.. shit like THIS is what should concern politicians.
I didn't put too much worry into this email... at first. Then I made the unfortunate mistake of clicking on the link and my entire world turned upside-down. Let me try to sum up the horror that awaits you upon visiting Tiki's Lair of Evil.
Ultra Liberal Wacko Environmentalist Nutballs - Tiki the Penguin EXPOSED!
"Tiki the Penguin" is a bowling-pin shaped penguin whose mass and size seems to fluctuate in every new frame. According to this comic, his purpose is to "make a kinder world for everyone," but ever since reading this site, I've been weeping nonstop. My world is not kinder at all. Thanks to Tiki, I am currently writing this article cramped up in the back of my darkened closet with a gun inches away from my mouth. Tiki the Penguin has exposed me to all that is unholy and evil in the malicious world of science. Don't know exactly what I'm talking about? Let's analyze "Whose Genes? Messing Around With Nature to Make Money" and perhaps you'll come to the same conclusion I reached after reading this horrid article who's sole purpose seems to involve making children commit suicide out of unadulterated fear.
Upon first loading up the page, I was greeted by a small image of Tiki the Penguin with some kind of psychic beams emanating from his head (either that or he's autistic). Next to that picture was "Tiki's Quick Guide" which, as I later found out, essentially summarizes the entire bizarre article.
Genetic engineering is about scientists altering the 'recipes' for making life - the genes which you find in all living things. Doing this is very clever and could be very useful. But it's all happening much too fast and nobody knows what the effects of making and eating such living things will be. Many kinds of life could be damaged. And suppose people eat 'genetic' food for many years? Will they be harmed by it? Nobody knows for sure. So why the rush? Scroll down to find out more...
So, if you're in a hurry to take your kids to soccer practice or pick up your kids from soccer practice or do God knows what at soccer practice, you can pretty much just read that one paragraph and safely know you've gleaned all the information possible from Tiki's in depth guide to genetic engineering. I, however, made the mistake of continuing to read and was dragged into the mysterious world of Tiki the talking penguin. I couldn't WAIT to find out more! I mean, just read some of the things Tiki said in the opening paragraph:
"But it's all happening much too fast and nobody knows what the effects of making and eating such living things will be"
"Will they be harmed by it? Nobody knows for sure."
I started to get the impression that perhaps Tiki was just talking out of his ass. Here I am, ready to read this huge article written by a gigantic talking penguin, and the narrator admits in the opening paragraph that he doesn't know virtually anything about the topic? I guess it's my fault for putting so much faith into a penguin's knowledge of the human gene system, but hell, I assumed that since the penguin learned how to talk, he could easily be some kind of genetic engineer or nuclear scientist. After reading on, I began to doubt this theory more and more.
I'm Ray Parker Jr, and it's time I came clean.
It is 2016. I think it is high time that Captain America have a dog man as a boyfriend.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.