This is what's called the "climax" of the story. In most novels and movies it takes longer than half a millisecond, but the writers behind "The Masters of the Universe" were always trendsetters. I mean, He-Man's pet cat is GREEN! Have you ever seen that done before? Me neither! Revolutionary, I tells ya!

So anyway He-Man flies up and punches the giant Rock Warrior in the groin with "the force of a thousand raging bulls", causing it to be instantly destroyed. You know how vehicles are measured by their horsepower? In Eternia, physical strength is measured by raging bulls. It sure beats their previous measurement of "pecking storks" which (if I'm not mistaken) is used in the Metric system. This also explains why there's so many wars in countries that use the Metric system.

Not having tossed enough shit in the river for the day, He-Man decides to finish the job by throwing the giant Rock Warrior's corpse into the water, contaminating it for decades to come. From that day forward, all citizens in Eternia were under a strict "boil only" rule, requiring them to filter out the deadly bacteria formed from the Rock Warriors' rotting corpses. He-Man didn't give a shit though: the Castle of Grayskull has its own water filtration system! Ha ha! No wonder Buzz-Off wanted to move in!

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Get In The God Dang Weight Room, Johnny Manziel!

    Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.

  • Helping Your Real Friends Move

    Helping Your Real Friends Move

    A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.