10. Services combine to form the world's largest registered list of newbies. Mailing lists and seminars are set up to teach newbies how to switch weapons and say "LOL!!! 0WNED!!! PH34R ME!!!" until kicked from the server.
9. 20 employees at MPlayer are given jobs at GSI, ensuring 20 new people to laugh at Fargo's jokes and bringing the grand total up to 21.
8. Bulky, ineffective, bug-infested MPlayer software replaced with new and improved Gamespy bulky, ineffective, bug-infested software.
7. Gamespy acquires MPlayer's extensive fanbase of multiplayer Spades, Poker, Backgammon, and Hearts players. Soon PlanetSpades, PlanetPoker, and PlanetBackgammon are launched and receive nearly as much traffic as PlanetBlood or PlanetDeerhunter.
6. Constant popup ad on MPlayer's site inviting users to "play for one billion dollars" will be replaced with Gamespy ad saying "Y0, jOO want PHAT L3WT? d00d, s1gn up h3r3, H4W h4W H4w, pw33ned!!!" and other gaming slang that makes Jeff K. look like a brain surgeon.
5. Details of MPlayer buyout and other GSI business deals become listed on CheatingPlanet.
4. All existing MPlayer gaming websites are stripped of their personality, charm, and content, then made part of the GSI website network. The same goes for the employees.
3. Registered MPlayer users given a chance to upgrade to MPlayer Arcade, which is just like the regular MPlayer service only it supports a more improved and wider selection of credit cards to pay the $20 registration fee.
2. New employees are given jobs working on "FileplanetSpy", which sends an alert if Fileplanet is ever up, if any of the files are working, and if a download speed greater than 2 k / sec can be achieved.
1. MPlayer promotional flyers now printed on recycled sheets of acid.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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