darkgray posted:

I couldn't believe my eyes when I read the stupid drivel after the dorky hopping i's had finished. It's obvious that the poor American fellows must have run around like beheaded chickens and shouted at each other to put something together that makes it seem cool. But how the hell could anyone ever make Wii sound cool to an English-speaking audience? The following ridiculous situations popped into mind:

"Thank you for calling the Wii hotline."
"Hello, is this the Wii service center?"
"Jane, stop playing with your brother's Wii!"
etc, etc.

Endless idiocy. Gods, what was wrong with Revolution? It was going to blow our minds and all that. Even as a Swede, I think this name is stupid. Note that Wii doesn't mean anything in Japanese, and I can't even figure out how they're planning to write it, since it goes against their general phonetics. Guess it's a uii thing. Oh gods.
Rendiew posted:
I went to the movies with some friends this week to see Harry Potter. After the standard film previews - and the local advertising movies - and some more previews, the Regent Multiplex (my town's HUGE CINEPLEX that doesn't even have proper surround) shows some interesting mini-movies before the main feature.

Here's how this one went (paraphrased):

Two guys sitting on a park bench. In a park. I was going to call them "Left dude" and "Right dude" but "Trevor" and "Dave" are much easier to read.

Trevor: Mate, you know how we're best friends and all right?
Dave: Yeah dude.
Trevor: So you'd like do anything for me right?
Dave: Yeah dude.
Trevor: Like, anything at all, because we're mates right?
Dave: Yeah dude. We're mates.
Trevor: Would you run non-stop for 3 years if it would save my life?
Dave: *thinks about it, has some forrest gump flashback-type thing of himself running a lot, theater audience giggles a bit* - Yeah, I guess so. We're mates.
Trevor: Would you play a game of footy wearing steel wool underpants?
Dave: *similar slightly amusing flashback* Yeah man. We're mates, i'd do anything for you.

They then go on a few more vaguely amusing comments and flashbacks, I can't really remember the others, they were mostly instantly forgettable. I'm sure the film is available online somewhere, but I'm not watching it again. If you are easily made depressed by being reminded of recent deaths, stop reading now. This is more warning than I got, and I know someone will complain about it anyway.

Dave: I'd do anything for you man. We're best mates.
Trevor: Why did you let me speed then?

Dave is gone. He wasn't ever there. Trevor gets his crutches out and hobbles off. Camera pans out, it was a bench in a cemetary. Trevor obviously killed dave by SPEEDING. SPEEDING IS EVIL. The film ends, theater is completely silent, some old guy says "that wasn't funny!", a few people are crying. This movie or minifilm or whatever FUCKING SHITS ME.

First of all, anybody who has not experienced this probably thinks "Oh hey yeah good speeding movie i'd better not speed now holy crap" and then speeds home anyway. I know I would have, before.

Anyone who HAS experienced any loss due to the road toll (e.g. me, most of my friends, and i'm sure half the audience) is completely shattered for the remainder of the movie. Is Harry Potter: Order of the Phoenix funny at all? Is it entertaining? I kind of just sat there and watched it. I would have walked out, but the only thing i would have done would probably involve alcohol, or sitting at home playing ps2 and feeling sorry for myself.

We also get to have the rest of our week spoiled from having the memory of this shit being forced into their minds right when we're expecting to enjoy a brainless movie about wizards going to school and magical fucking owls. I go to the theater to escape and maybe laugh for a while or say "Wow that explosion was fucking AWESOME", not to have the recent death of a friend shoved down my throat. A warning would have been nice, so I could have mentally prepared myself or some shit, I don't know - "this movie is crap and will probably remind you of some awesome guy you knew dying in a car crash".

To add to all this, it was an absolutely SHIT way to convey the message. He blamed his best mate, who he basically killed, for LETTING him speed? Oh hey let's remove any feelings of guilt we may have because it's obviously the dead guy's fault for LETTING THE DRIVER SPEED. YOU SUCK, dead guy, for letting the driver speed. You might still be alive if you'd shown some responsibility!

Fuck you, Brian Kilsyth, or whatever the fuck your name is, for enabling this shit of a shitty short film to be presented in any media whatsoever. It is a piece of crap, a waste of film, and the other ones you have out (and I KNOW there's others, i saw a similar one at transformers) should all probably be burned as well.

Are my wounds still raw? Probably.

Bring back Warner Brothers and bald men shooting ducks. Just let the ducks come back afterwards, rotate their beaks back into the correct position, and walk off the screen. Don't kill them off and blame it on the duck. The bunny did it.
More The Great Goon Database

This Week on Something Awful...

About This Column

The Something Awful Forums are, by far, the greatest and most entertaining community on the internet. From the Comedy Goldmine to Photoshop Phriday, our forums are pretty much the lone island refusing to be engulfed by the sea of stupidity that is the internet. While sections like the Comedy Goldmine and Photoshop Phriday showcase the intentionally hilarious forum creations, we've failed to reveal the coin's flip side. The Great Goon Database is a depository of unintentionally amusing Something Awful Forum quotes demonstrating the darker side of SA. Special thanks to Goon "LittleJoe" for collecting and sorting these gems.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.