So, i'm a Harry Potter fan. Unapologeticly so. Eagerly awaiting the last book. However, it seems wherever I turn, some motherfucker seems determined to divulge secrets and key plot points. I've seen paid ads flashing spoilers in large letters. I've seen asswipes with these same reveals in their goddamn avatar.
Ignore them, you say? Hard to do, when they crop up everywhere. Even worse, I read fast. In fact, I don't really read individual words, but blocks of type. So by the time I see what's there... well, i've seen what's there.
I'd really like to be able to browse this, my favorite forums, this week without ruining a book i've been waiting years for. Why in the hell do people find this amusing? What do they get out of it? Is there any way to petition Lowtax to at least dump the spoiler ads? Or will I simply be mocked out of town for being "thin-skinned" and liking a "children's book"?
I'd like to introduce these fuckers to my wand- a regulation-sized Louisville Slugger, applied liberally about the head and shoulders.
I'm a pedestrian. Partially it's by choice, partially it's because I'm too poor for a car, and mostly it's because I'm the worst driver in the world I don't want to inflict myself on innocent people. (This might not be true, as I haven't driven much, but I'd really rather not test this and end up killing someone.)
Being a pedestrian I run the risk of being yelled at by assholes in their cars as they whiz by me. I don't generally pay attention to what they say and just flick them off and keep walking, but I do wonder what makes them want to do this. Usually, they yell something like "fat bitch!" or "you're ugly!" I already consider myself fat, thank-you. I also consider myself kind of ugly. Again, thank-you. I'm not a bitch, however, as I'm actually quite nice. But couldn't they say something a little more creative? What do they think I'm going to do? Collapse to my knees and start weeping because some redneck in a piece of shit car doesn't think I'm pretty?
It's like the assholes who come up to me in the mall and tell me that their friend thinks I'm hot and wants to go out with me. I know you're just trying to embarrass your friend, dude. It didn't work when I was nine and it's sure as hell not going to work now. Do you think I'm going to giggle dorkily and call my mommy to tell her that a boy likes me? What the fuck? I usually say something to the effect of, "so your friend likes cock, does he?" and walk off. This is satisfying but not as satisfying as them NOT FUCKING BOTHERING ME.
I'm not even that fat or ugly! I'm pretty ordinary, really. Usually, there are MUCH uglier people wandering around me when these things happen, but for some reason these guys (it's ALWAYS men) see me and think, "she must have low self-esteem! Let's fuck with her!" Sorry guys, I know what I am and I think I'm pretty cool anyhow. If I'm good enough for the people that I love to love me back, then I'm good enough for anybody.
Do these guys hate themselves so much that they have to try and bring a stranger down? Is that the problem? Or do they just have way too much time on their hands and I'm too busy with my job and my life and the Jewish boy who inexplicably loves me to see the worth in whatever they're saying?
If any of you do this: Why? Do you think you're providing a useful public service? Do you think the woman you're yelling at is unaware of her status in society? Is it the only way to get your tiny, useless penis to attempt an erection? It's that last one, isn't it? I knew it.
As someone who went through the same problem he did (450 pounds, thankfully I managed to lose it, 110 pounds now) you guys have no idea what he's going through. It's not because he's lazy, and you should all just shut your mouths because you don't know what it's like.
Now, I work at a daycare with children ages 3 to 11. Some of these children have some of the worst manners I've ever seen. Luckily not all the parents are imcompetant.The very first week I was working at this daycare, I was in the School-Age room. This is where the older kids come before and after school. One day, after school, a few of the boys are playing computer when I hear this gem.
"My mom got pulled over by the Po-Po the other day!!"
Unacceptable. Without hesitation I'm across the room, right behind him.
Me: "Excuse me, sir. What did you just say?"Him: "What?"Me: "Please repeat your last sentance."Him: "All I said was 'My mom got pulled over by the po-po'."Me: "Correct. Now tell me, why is this unacceptable?"Him: "I don't know. That's what they're called. Po-Po."Me: "Sir, they are called Police Officers. They make up a Police Force. Their job is to police the area. Starting right now, the word 'Po-Po' will never leave your mouth again. That is the single most disrespectful thing I've heard since I've become a teacher and I will not put up with it. Is this understood?"Him: "Yeah."Me: "Yes, Sir"Him: "Yes."Me: "Yes, Sir."Him: "Yes, sir."
I then made a point of it, from then on, to always refer to my students as "Sir" and "Ma'am". The words "Yeah", "Nah", and "Ok" are forbidden in my classroom. The only acceptable responses are "Yes, sir" and "No, sir."
Never heard him say "Po-Po" again either.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
The Something Awful Forums are, by far, the greatest and most entertaining community on the internet. From the Comedy Goldmine to Photoshop Phriday, our forums are pretty much the lone island refusing to be engulfed by the sea of stupidity that is the internet. While sections like the Comedy Goldmine and Photoshop Phriday showcase the intentionally hilarious forum creations, we've failed to reveal the coin's flip side. The Great Goon Database is a depository of unintentionally amusing Something Awful Forum quotes demonstrating the darker side of SA. Special thanks to Goon "LittleJoe" for collecting and sorting these gems.