Bareback Rodeo posted:
This happened in high school, so in hindsight I feel like it was a pretty irrational move, but I think what I did was justified.
Anyway, whenever I went to art class there was another class next door, about 2 years above our class, that would enter and leave around the same time. Without fail, every time we waited outside of the class for our respective teachers this girl would make fun of me. She would always point out the shape of my head and then all of her friends would laugh. It infuriated me.
One day I'd had enough, so I followed her around from a distance during recess while she went on some errands and shit. I was pretty good at staying hidden, so when she was descending one of the larger flights of stairs I ran down the hall as fast as I could and kicked her in the back. The tumble she took looked incredibly painful, and she was screaming quite a bit, and I almost felt bad for a moment, but then I just turned around and got the fuck out of there.
She was off school for a while. A month or two maybe. No one ever found out it was me. Still, she had it coming.
I was out tonight and had to stop at a gas station to pick up a few things. After buying what I needed, I head to my car, when some random guy approaches me. He's asking for money ($1.75) for cab fare. And at first I say I can't spare it, but he presses me, and for whatever reason I tell him I can offer a dollar and a quarter, and give it to him. He says thanks and is on his way.
Now I just feel like an idiot, out a $1.25. Which is really fucking trivial, but I still feel like an idiot about it. I know he probably wasn't being truthful about the cab fare, but why can't I just let this go?
Dear The Internet,Today I did something stupid, and you're the only one I can turn to. Over the weekend, my friend Chris gave me the Chris French Tuna Odorant challenge, and... I accepted. Long story short, I am getting paid two hundred of your US dollars to use canned tuna in lieu of deodorant for three consecutive days at the office, and I'm only allowed one shower per day. I've been here for twenty minutes and I feel fucking disgusting. Now I feel like I have to go through with it, because I already bought the tuna and I could use $200. Why am I such a 'tard?
So yeah, my friend Chris and I really like sushi. Like, a lot. There's this Chinese buffet by where we live, and they've got a sushi bar. It's awesome. Anyway, we had this conversation Friday before last:
So on Friday, Chris and I were at the same buffet with our friends Jack and Amy, and the "Week o' Tuna" came up again. I was given the Chris French Week-O-Tuna Challenge, for which I would eat nothing but tuna-based dishes for a week and get paid $20.00 on top of being reimbursed for the cost of food. You see, my friends and I have this, ah, "arrangement" wherein I accept money to do stupid things for their amusement - I won the Jar-O-Change challenge and got paid about $12 in change to eat nine packets of soy sauce, three packets each of sweet & sour sauce and hot mustard, and take a shot of cock sauce (Sriracha chili sauce, it's got a rooster on the bottle for some damn reason). That sounds like a lucrative deal, but it was after failing the Half-Cup-O-Salt challenge, so I considered myself breaking even. I figure it's a good arrangement, because I like money and I have a defective shame gland.
Anyway, Jack is a ridiculous guy, and while I was getting more sushi, the deal got altered. Instead of eating all tuna for a week, I'd go three days at work using tuna instead of deodorant, and I'd get Chris' returned security deposit from the last apartment (where Jack lived, too, which is how this shit got started months ago). Chris pretty much lives off a trust fund, and so doesn't have to worry about money, and claims to have no better way to spend it (which claim I find to be highly dubious). I'm moving in with Amy in July, and so could use some extra cash for things like a moving truck and gas for it. Anyway, it's now 35 minutes into my shift, and I have tuna smell coming out of my pits, and it's supposed to be like 86 degrees today... I don't know whether to take smoke breaks or not.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
The Something Awful Forums are, by far, the greatest and most entertaining community on the internet. From the Comedy Goldmine to Photoshop Phriday, our forums are pretty much the lone island refusing to be engulfed by the sea of stupidity that is the internet. While sections like the Comedy Goldmine and Photoshop Phriday showcase the intentionally hilarious forum creations, we've failed to reveal the coin's flip side. The Great Goon Database is a depository of unintentionally amusing Something Awful Forum quotes demonstrating the darker side of SA. Special thanks to Goon "LittleJoe" for collecting and sorting these gems.