Leonard jumped into action and sent this volley back into the collective face of Jones Soda Co.:
FROM: Leonard J. Crabs
TO: Victor N. King
Dear Victor N. King and associates of the Speckman Law Group PLLC,
Allow me to introduce myself. I am Leonard J. Crabs, a practicing attorney at law, which is the eloquent way of saying "I wear a suit and tie, even on days when I really do not need to, such as this Saturday when I plan on going to the Hamilton County Regional Moped Rally to see if somebody put up the poster board advertisement I designed in Microsoft Publisher 2000." Not to toot my own horn, but I have frequently dipped my toes in the wading pool of creative arts, often resulting in fantastic masterpieces designed to dazzle the (human) eye, as well as the remainder of the (human) body, at least the waist and higher. For instance, are you familiar with the font named "Impact"? I was the first American pioneer to popularize this choice typeface back in 1966, after creating a flier for my law firm which exclusively used the Impact Font to read:
"HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN AN ACCIDENT? ARE YOU CURRENTLY INJURED A LOT? DOES YOUR BACK HURT? OR YOUR HEAD? MY NAME IS LEONARD J. CRABS AND I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU IN A COURTROOM! OR ALSO OUTSIDE THE COURTROOM FOR A SLIGHTLY HIGHER FEE! I AM A DOCTOR OF THE COURT AND WILL REMOVE THE SWOLLEN APPENDIX OF LAWSUITS FROM YOUR BRONCHIAL TUBES OF NEGLIGENCE. JUST CALL ME! YOU CAN STORE YOUR BOXES AT MY HOUSE WHILE YOU MOVE OUT OF YOUR APARTMENT!"
This block of text was followed by an image depicting 50 pounds of top soil, a fortunate printing mistake which allowed me to discount my order's bill by an additional 50%. As you are undoubtedly aware, this is what's known in the legal world as "putting the ox before the shopping cart," and has been seen in many popular legal dramas such as "Perry Mason" and the Battle of Fort Donelson.
Regardless, I am deviating from my intended purpose. I was recently passed your enchanting electronic message alerting the employees of Something Awful LLC to your imminent lawsuit, a direct consequence of them either doing or not doing something that you do not like. I must admit I have not technically "read" your lawsuit, since you chose to send it as an Adobe .pdf file, a format I refuse to acknowledge under any circumstances. You see, back in 1995 I attempted to open and read an Adobe .pdf file, and I instantly heard the sound of a ghost gently exhaling, followed by some bowls of walnuts falling from a short ledge. Although I did not have Norton Antivirus installed at the time, this type of action is simply unacceptable and Adobe shall not receive my support for their product's poor quality.
Your intimidating email lawsuit threat has caused me to spring into action and mobilize my attack team of unpaid interns from the local community college (they do not attend school there, but they do hang out by the fountain and talk loudly at all hours of the night). I instantly told Ben (the one with the disgusting beard) to "look up Jones Soda Co. on, what's it called, that computer highway thing." Ben returned 14 hours later with a duffel bag full of expired seafood and the following in-depth report:
1) Jones Soda Co., makes soda.
2) Jones Soda Co. uses the name "Jones Soda Co." to sell and market their products.
3) You are a lawyer!!! (Exclamation points his, not mine)
This research has helped me formulate a sufficient legal attack plan, most of which hinges on the general date you plan on suing us. I am a Capricorn, and apparently the stars shall align to give me a 584 experience point boost between December 21st and January 7th, so I would appreciate you taking us to court during this time frame. You will receive the rare chance to witness me powering up and gathering energy from nearby supernovas, which I will then channel and redirect towards that desk / table thing your legal team will be standing behind in the courtroom. Have you ever seen raw formica exploding into your face in slow motion 3-D? You will. (I want to make that previous sentence bold but I do not know how, so if you could like highlight it or underline it or something, I would appreciate it.)
While your internet lawsuit threat seemed very serious and foreboding, as if it were written by the soda version of Abraham Lincoln himself, I intend to fight it every step of the way. I am not sure how many steps the way will consist of, so I have sent Ben (the one with the disgusting beard) and Mikey (the one with the Mario tattoo) to the courthouse to gather additional information. This task may take some time due to the fact I forgot the location of the courthouse, and apparently have been confusing it with the downtown Food Lion. That lion is hungry... hungry for fantastic savings on name-brand products.
Please email me if you have any further questions or concerns regarding the pricing of rubber mulch. I will not answer any questions regarding the Major League Baseball playoffs, for obvious reasons. Feel free to consult the included file for whatever reason(s).
(draw in my signature here)
Leonard J. Crabs
I am an attorney.
THIS E-MAIL CONTAINS INFORMATION WHICH IS CONFIDENTIAL AND MAY BE SUBJECT TO LEGAL PRIVILEGE. NOBODY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES MAY READ IT. IF YOU ARE READING THIS, THEN I CAN SUE YOU AND I WILL SUE YOU ONCE I FIGURE OUT WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY CAR. IT SIMPLY DOES NOT RUN. WHY IS THAT? AND NO, I WILL NOT TAKE THE BUS, I DEMAND MY CAR WORK, AS ORIGINALLY PROMISED BY THE HYUNDAI DEALERSHIP. IF I AM CURRENTLY READING THIS, THEN THIS IS A REMINDER FOR ME TO CALL DAVE AT THE HYUNDAI DEALERSHIP AND GIVE HIM A PIECE OF MY MIND.
But wait! That's not all!
2 PM: Steven J. accidentally drops his vintage Trapper Keeper, revealing erotic drawings of the ‘bunny girls’ emoji. The room draws silent. Slowly, member after member opens his/her notebooks and tablets, revealing dozens of pages of bunny girl emoji fanart. The room votes 12-0 never to speak of this again.
He was ripped off for True Detective, now Thomas Ligotti is being asked to review Pizza Hut's new Hotdog Pizza Bites.
Many people love to threaten to sue us. Luckily we have both Leonard "J." Crabs and common sense on our side, thus enabling us to easily defeat such trivialities. Remember - when you're on the Internet, you can threaten to sue for anything!