The Vein: And here comes the defending champ Stingray, with his famous entrance music "Protect Ya Pecs" playing over the PA.
Haymaker: Music to my cauliflowered ears, Zane.
The Vein: Kind of an unusual choice, staging this last championship fight in a meatpacking and baby oil factory, isn't it?
Haymaker: Unusual but very smart, the champ has put himself through a strenuous warehouse-based training program in preparation for this title bout. He told me before the match that diet is a big key to his workout regimen. Did you know that packing peanuts count as a 'macronutrient'?
The Vein: I sure did Hank, and what's more if you stack them with bull semen extract and raw human eyeballs, they really add some oomph to your pumps. Is it true that the champ's workout also involved watching Charlie Sheen in Hot Shots for 16 hours a day until the movie seemed deadly serious to him?
Haymaker: Absolutely correct, Vein. Oh, here come the challengers now, and it looks like Nick is going to open with a classic shirt-destruction move!
Haymaker: It's like watching a pair of immortal warlords locked in an eternal struggle of shirt removal, Zane.
The Vein: Beautiful, haunting stuff there Haymaker. And of course, like any good contest between invincible Olympian supermen, at the end of the day there can be only one. Except for their shirts, in which case there can be only none. Oh, and here comes Kristi, and she's opening with a reverse double staredown!
The Vein: A premature end for a promising fighter. Wait, what's this? It looks like the two challengers are teaming up for a Reverse Double Swooping Towel Snatch! This is unprecedented!
The Vein: I'm speechless, Haymaker.
Haymaker: Well folks, you've just witnessed one for the record books. The legendary Stingray, one of the great eyeball-gouging fighters of all time, defeated by our challengers with an incredible double-eye-gouge industrial hook hoist.
The Vein: And what a picture-perfect ending moment, with the new champ tenderly oiling Kristi's forehead with his chest muscles.
Haymaker: You said it, Zane. There's nothing as undefeatable as true love and shimmering pecs. And with that, it's time for us to sign off. Good night from the Hallmark-Pillsbury Big & Flaky Undefeatable Killodrome!
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I was betrayed by the bernio bros, the cougars, and this guy from back page I hired to keep me from jumping out a window at the DNC.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
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