This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
Date: March 13, 1980
Subject: Your Shit-brained Accusations

To all employees suggesting I have a problem: I don't have a problem. Maybe you have a problem, but not me. I have a solution, and that solution is called cocaine. If you think it's wrong for me to do cocaine, blame yourselves. I wouldn't have to do cocaine if all my employees worked flawlessly and never failed.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
Date: March 13, 1980
Subject: Cocaine Usage

Nobody else here is allowed to do cocaine. Cocaine is a drug that makes you invincible and there can only be one invincible man around here: yours truly. Don't believe me? Shoot me with a gun. I will not die and you will go to jail for attempted murder. Also, you'll be fired. Cocaine has made me immortal and above the law.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
Date: March 13, 1980
Subject: My Cocaine Problem

It is clear to me now that I have a problem and that problem is called cocaine. It is also called by other names on the streets: White Tiger, Power Powder, King Salt, Ivory Mustache, Zeus Dust, Panther Milk, Albino Miracle, Swan Sugar, Nose Fire, Ghost Tears, Royal Regolith, etc. I am telling you this so you know what to ask for when you go get me more cocaine. I am out and need some right away. Whoever doesn't bring me cocaine will be fired and I will eat their eyeballs at the next company picnic.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
Date: March 13, 1980
Subject: Regarding Some Recent Cocaine Use in the Office

It is with much regret and a heavy heart that I deliver this news. My recent love affair with cocaine has come to an end. I decided to try the narcotic upon learning I had a third grown son, and that he, like the two idiot no-goods before him, is a useless rockabilly. As I understand the three of them have already formed a beat combo called the Hard Day Rockers.

Ah, hell. I need more cocaine. I need all the goddamn cocaine there is, and I need it now.


To: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
Date: March 14, 1980
Subject: Kicking the Habit

I am now finally finished with cocaine. Please do not congratulate me as I do not wish to hear you speak. A card and gift will suffice. I have finished doing all the cocaine available and am now done with drugs. To ensure my body handles withdrawal, I am locking myself in my secret shed behind the building and having Tall Charlie and Ðâng Lành take turns making sure I do not use my immense physical strength to rip the padlock off and escape.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
Date: March 13, 1980
Subject: You're all Working Weekends. Indefinitely.

I have been informed that we haven't actually produced a single can of soup in the past five months. We're going to need to produce all that soup and immediately. It is now mandatory to work Saturday and Sunday. I cannot help but blame this recent lack of productivity on the negative attitude of the cartoon cat Garfield, who is promoting bad work ethics and is held in such high esteem by you cretins.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

  • SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.

About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

Other articles in this series

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.