This article is part of the SA Celebrity Stalker series.
Our intrepid stargazers are always prowling the streets for unsuspecting celebrities! Look! They spotted some!
BonoYesterday @ 11 am
Saw Bono walking down the middle of the street all dramatic, singing and staring up like there was a crane camera filming him. But there wasn't, and the cabbies kept honking because he was messing up traffic. Maybe he's gone mad???
Kelsey GrammerYesterday @ 12pm
Saw the Frasier star sitting near a fountain openly weeping. People kept trying to hug and comfort him but he just pushed them away. After a while everyone else around him was weeping and we were all very sad and I am crying again just thinking about it.
Bill LaimbeerYesterday @ 5pm
Basketball icon Bill Laimbeer was at the Fox Sports Bar at the airport. He was scarfing down whole onions one by one. Everyone in the bar was crying and people were begging him to stop but he was determined. He said it was just something he had to do.
NitroYesterday @ 7pm
Heard a knock at my door at 8pm. Opened it and was greeted by Nitro from American Gladiators! I asked what he was doing here and he said he was here to meet my mom for a date. I'm pretty sure Nitro is going to be my dad now and I'm okay with that because it's time my mom finds happiness.
Sarah Jessica ParkerYesterday @ 8pm
Heard a hot tip SJP was at the Burger King so I jumped on the subway and got there in a NEW YORK MINUTE! She wasn't there so I just sighed and ordered some fries and watched the day turn to night and the streets grow quiet and dark.
BatmanYesterday @ 11pm
Was being robbed by two street thugs when they were suddenly yanked into the shadows. Out of nowhere Batman appeared and asked if I was ok. He was super hairy in person and had really bad B.O. Like hair just poking out of every crack and opening of his suit. Robin Williams kind of hair. Ick.
Amy PoehlerToday @ 9am
Beautiful and hilarious! She was being attacked by at least a dozen angry crows and it was scary! Hope she is ok!
Hugh JackmanToday @ 11am
Spotted the Wolverine star emerging from some bushes in Central Park with a big grin on his face. When I peeked in the bushes to see what was there, there was a giant pile of feces. Totally gross!
Adrien BrodyToday @ 12pm
Saw Adrien on the subway eating some kind of smelly pasta out of a tupperware container and stinking up the whole car. I worked up the nerve to yell "AND YOUR MOVIES STINK TOO!" I felt pretty bad and ended up getting off a couple stops early and had to take a cab home.
Stephen HawkingToday @ 1pm
Stephen is, as of this text message, finishing up the last inch of a 32" burrito. He is wearing a leather jacket and looking good. Really buff. Think he's been hitting the gym.
Steve HarveyToday @ 5pm
Witnessed unimaginable pandemonium as Steve Harvey hurled fireballs down from a small airship. I don't think he hit anyone, but somebody has got to stop him before he takes a life!
Louie AndersonToday @ 8pm
Just moved into a brand new apartment after saving up for months. Soon as I get in I see a naked Louie Anderson sleeping on a filthy pile of cardboard in the bedroom. I chased him out, but he left the place a mess. I think he's been squatting here all week!
This libtard terminator keeps asking for guns that don't exist and I may have to close early out of frustration.
Editor's Note: Due to a freak power outage, this obituary of Barbara Bush was written without the benefit of research. In order to pay our respects to this great woman in a timely fashion, we have decided to post this piece as-is. We hope you forgive any errors on our part.
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