You.You have the paper in your hand, and you walk to the door. As you walk out of the room, you turn around one last time to see Nerd Jacobs. He is gone. The dude is straight up M.I.A. Your heart starts racing. He could be anywhere. You slam the door shut and run to your room. You open the door, only to have Nerd Jacobs already sitting at your desk. Your body freezes with fear. He slowly pulls down his glasses, and without his thick lenses on, you see into his eyes. They begin to glow. You try to turn around, but it is too late. Beams shoot out of his iris and saw you in two. Your severed chest falls to the ground while your legs slump against the wall., then they both burn into a pile ash. Nerd Jacobs smirks, checks your internet history, and then makes your homepage goatse. Owned infinity.
Expert analysis on the few things your cat likes and the many things it hates.
The CEO of Lobstero, makers of the expensive home Lobster System, responds to recent unfavorable headlines about hand-squeezing a lobster out of one of the company's Lobster Packs.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.