Halloween is almost upon us, which means thousands of weirdos across the nation will finally have the chance to put something of their choosing inside your child's mouth. Instead of boarding yourself up inside and waiting for this whole holiday thing to "blow over," ensure your little ones are safe and relatively poison-free with the following tips designed to keep them healthy, outside of their teeth and blood sugar levels.

  • Necco Wafers come in the following flavors: chalk, seashell, foam, spice dust, and homeopathic chocolate. If you detect any strong, easily identifiable flavors while eating one, call your local poison control center immediately.
  • While all candy should be x-rayed for potential hazards, it's safe to leave Butterfingers alone. When paired with a razor blade, thumbtack, or other sharp object, you'll find it much easier to rid your teeth of the candy's intractable peanut residue.
  • Black licorice--rare to find in the wild these days--should not be consumed immediately, but rather stored for its original use as an effective, edible punishment for naughty children. This ain't your granddaddy's castor oil!
  • Their nutritional qualities can't be denied, but unfortunately, having raisins dropped into your trick-or-treating bag signifies a dismissal of the holiday as a whole. Be sure to teach this person a lesson by jamming the dehydrated grapes into open outlets on any outdoor fixtures you can find within their property.
  • Though the FDA has deemed them "largely edible," Mary Janes and Bit O' Honeys are best used as a makeshift industrial-strength caulk, or in glue traps built to contain small vermin.
  • Children diagnosed with depression should avoid eating a Three Musketeers bar at all costs, as the candy's pure nougat center may remind them of life's bland, pointless march towards oblivion.
  • While stupider children may eat the pennies given to them by some houses--unaware no chocolate exists under their shiny exteriors--they can later spend their time with a fun scavenger hunt to regain that lost currency. Just give them a pair of kitchen gloves, lay down some plastic sheeting, and get ready to have a few precious hours to yourself, with some minimal cleanup afterwards.
  • Nik-L-Nips should be disposed of immediately, both for their disgusting taste and damaging effects to our local Asian communities.
  • Though they may seem fairly large on their own, several Halloween-themed Peeps can be squished together into one condensed candy piece, perfectly suited for throwing away.
  • Candy corn is supposed to be like that.

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2016 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.