"Uh, excuse me?"
"Hey. I just dropped my water bottle. I think it rolled into your stall."
"This one, that says Aquafina on it?"
"That's the one."
"Or maybe it's Aqua Vita."
"It's definitely Aquafina."
"Are you sure? This really looks like Aqua Vita. Maybe this is someone else's?"
"It's about 3/8 full and has a white cap and has my name on it - Dave."
"Oh, okay. This is definitely it then."
"Yeah.... So I was wondering, if it's not a big deal, can you send it back?"
"Yeah, no problem ... just-"
"Well, how do you want me to send it?"
"I mean I can kick it, but my shoe is sort of dirty."
"Uh, not super dirty, but I might've stepped in some urine on the way in here. There was this pool near the door and my right shoe, the one closest to the bottle and your stall, looks slightly wet."
"I can try to use the other foot, but it'd be awkward. I'd probably mess up the vector and send it careening over to the sink."
"That'd be no good."
"The stain, I'm looking at it closer now and it's definitely urinish. It's got that slightly-darker-than-water color to it."
"You probably shouldn't kick it then."
"It smells like urine, too. To the extent that you can smell urine in a room already full of that smell."
"Definitely don't kick it."
"Yeah, I wouldn't want to give you germs or anything. So should I just hand it to you?"
"Okay, just a sec ... no, wait."
"My right hand, the one closest to the bottle, it's been in my groin region."
"Both hands, in fact. I usually make adjustments with the right and scratch with the left. I'm sort of - not ambidextrous, but what's that word for using both hands, but for different things."
"No clue. I think it's just being two-handed."
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Ignore the hype. Find out how these games will likely go right or wrong.
Doing some reps on the water bottle huh. I prefer bench press myself. Just kidding - stay hydrated.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.