"Uh, excuse me?"
"Hey. I just dropped my water bottle. I think it rolled into your stall."
"This one, that says Aquafina on it?"
"That's the one."
"Or maybe it's Aqua Vita."
"It's definitely Aquafina."
"Are you sure? This really looks like Aqua Vita. Maybe this is someone else's?"
"It's about 3/8 full and has a white cap and has my name on it - Dave."
"Oh, okay. This is definitely it then."
"Yeah.... So I was wondering, if it's not a big deal, can you send it back?"
"Yeah, no problem ... just-"
"Well, how do you want me to send it?"
"I mean I can kick it, but my shoe is sort of dirty."
"Uh, not super dirty, but I might've stepped in some urine on the way in here. There was this pool near the door and my right shoe, the one closest to the bottle and your stall, looks slightly wet."
"I can try to use the other foot, but it'd be awkward. I'd probably mess up the vector and send it careening over to the sink."
"That'd be no good."
"The stain, I'm looking at it closer now and it's definitely urinish. It's got that slightly-darker-than-water color to it."
"You probably shouldn't kick it then."
"It smells like urine, too. To the extent that you can smell urine in a room already full of that smell."
"Definitely don't kick it."
"Yeah, I wouldn't want to give you germs or anything. So should I just hand it to you?"
"Okay, just a sec ... no, wait."
"My right hand, the one closest to the bottle, it's been in my groin region."
"Both hands, in fact. I usually make adjustments with the right and scratch with the left. I'm sort of - not ambidextrous, but what's that word for using both hands, but for different things."
"No clue. I think it's just being two-handed."
Ferguson's long arm of the law laments the latest cutback.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
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