12 You get closer to the little guys. They bounce in their steps toward you with their little round paws stretched out. You can't help yourself as you squeal like a little girl. You make a noise equivalent to "^____^" and start running towards the cute things. As you get closer you see the mascots' sharp teeth. They aren't outfits at all, but mutant beasts from the city's pollution. You take a step back at the last second to see what happens with Chad. The colorful monsters give your craigslist mate an enormous hug. They look so soft! Chad laughs for a second in their arms before letting out a screech. You can't see what is going on, but you notice the beasts' fur is matted down with blood. You try to run, but the five of them quickly catch up. You defend yourself for a moment, fighting them off with your javelin, but it's hopeless. You fall to the ground with a tuft of red fur in your hand.
And you thought women had one-dimensional script intros that treated them like sex objects. Ewoks have it even worse.
No one seems to like the new Doom box art. But it's still the same old Doom Guy under that space marine helmet. Right?
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.