If there is one thing myspace taught you, it's not to trust things that seem "too cute." You may have lost your social security number once, but you refuse to let these little mascots have their way with you. You put your javelin up and tell Chad to get behind you. "Whatever happens, protect the urine." You say, preparing for battle. The colorful bear-things continue to bounce closer, and you realize that they are not cute mascots, but mutant beasts from the polluted outskirts of Beijing. The five creatures charge in. You stab one, leaving a blue bear-cat dead on the ground. The other four pace around you, waiting for a moment to strike. One pounces at Chad, he screams, dropping the urine. Your clean piss leaks all over the cement. Out of rage you stab the green one. It moans as you prepare for another attack, but the others seem uninterested in you. Instead the remaining three gather around the spilled urine. One after another they take sips. When the pool is dry they turn to you, expecting more. You unzip your pants and urinate in the street. The beasts seem pacified by your offering. In fact, they seem submissive. How will you use your new army?
Evil Cooper and Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov have both been on a rampage, but who did what?
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.