You grab the javelin. It feels good in your hands as you throw it with all your might. The rod travels through the old monk, sending him flying to the ground. Chad vomits all over himself from the image, but years of internet usage has left you numb. You pull the javelin out and head back towards the main street. Five police officers stop you. Sweat begins to gather on your forehead until one reaches his hand out for a handshake. "Congratulations." He says. For your participation in the extermination of an ancient religious sect, the Chinese government wants to reward you. You can have anything you want.
"I want a girlfriend." You quickly say. No.
"I want to be in the Olympics." No.
"I want a Hanzo Samurai Sword." No. That's Japanese anyway.
"Well, erm, could I have a 50inch Sony TV?" Okay.
"With 1080p HD?" No.
Congratulations on your new television, too bad you won't be able to compete in the Olympics or watch Ratatouille on Blu-ray.
Over the last few weeks an outnumbered but brave group of men calmly used facts and logic to conclusively prove that women are ruining video games with their lustful object bodies. But there are other threats to everything gamers hold dear.
Sleeping with AC is at this point a basic human right. But if you're one of the doomed souls forced to deal with global warming on a nightly basis, here's an hourly breakdown on how to get the most out of your inferno hellscape of a bedroom.
We're spelunking through the movie catacombs this week. Join us, won't you?
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.