Pride shall be brought to your family. The games have already started though so you have to hurry. What event will you conquer? It's obvious. Javelin Toss. Looks like the medieval pike you carved for the renaissance fair will come in handy after all. Will they make you perform a drug test? Probably. To be safe, you piss into an empty container of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Does chocolate chip show up in urine samples? Forget it. You write a quick note and leave it on the counter. "Mom, in China. Told you I could use my pike for something other than the fair. I couldn't bring the armor though. Love, your bunny." How are you doing on time? Bob Costas is talking about the Olympic spirit. Looks like you got two days before he's finished. Okay, time to buy a plane ticket, but how are you supposed to pay for this.
Tucker Carlson's idiot brother just called New York mayor Bill de Blasio's spokeswoman a "LabiaFace."
Hey, have you guys ever seen a picture of a cat before? Well, guess what. It’s your lucky day, because I’m mixing the concept of a picture of my cat with the concept of the Internet!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.