Your senses of taste and touch are reversed and you spend the rest of your days getting punched and force fed sauerkraut.
Your entire music library has to consist of nothing but TV show theme song compilations.
Your entire music library has to come exclusively from Starbucks.
You constantly excrete a foul-smelling paste out of two discreet ducts on your forehead.
You have to constantly chew tobacco at all times or you will die.
You become convinced Leprechauns are trying to steal your wealth and dignity and lose sight of the important things in life.
You get $250,000, but you have to spend a year living inside an iron lung.
Top 10 Billionaires in the World? Most Powerful People in Tech? We've seen lists just like these for decades now. Recent features like Best Billionaires Under 40 have attempted to shake things up by getting more specific, but they need to go even further.
RT mobile games reviewer Jeff Glukhov quits RT after being forced to give pro-Russian reviews to various iPhone and Android games.
Kurt Cobain and gang finally learn the truth behind Morton Downey's evil scheme.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.