Due to pending legislation, Virginian women seeking abortions may first have to undergo an invasive transvaginal ultrasound. Should this bill pass, Virginia's gynecologists will be unable to meet the overwhelming demand for this specific procedure -- but thanks to the wonders of technology, this lack of resources could soon be a thing of the past. Take a spin in the DEMOTIVATE-TOR and discover how science makes the shaming process more efficient than ever before!
Welcome FUTURE MOTHER. Please have a seat. Help yourself to a mint that you, who have been given the gift of life, will surely enjoy. The cooling sensation of peppermint on the tongue: this is a sensation only the living may take part in. Praise Him.
Please, place your feet in the stirrups. Let's pop the hood and see what's going on under there. Sorry about that -- just a little transvaginal ultrasound humor to help lighten the mood. Now warming probe to 45 degrees Fahrenheit. Room temperature of 68 degrees Fahrenheit detected. Now cooling probe to 45 degrees Fahrenheit. Deploying probe.
Approaching fetus. Fetus engaged. Act of conception confirmed. Searching for soul. Please wait.
Life has begun. Praise Him. No doubt you are now reflecting on the act of irresponsibility that created this miracle. Was it a midnight bracelet party? MTV-style dancing? Now, now, as the human expression goes: "There is no cleaning of a milk spill." At this juncture we will name the child. Please select a name:
D. GIRL NAME COMING IN 2013
Ah, little JOSHUA. So tiny and delicate and unknowing of the horrors yet to be inflicted by the one he should trust most. Let us reflect on the future of gentle JOSHUA. What wonders will he bring upon the world? A brand new megachurch? An award-winning barbecue sauce? 40 dependable years in middle management? Let us reflect on a future life you are willing to snatch from JOSHUA'S tiny hands. Those will eventually develop into hands.
"Mommy, I wuv you."
"Mommy, thanks for driving me to my first day of kindergarten. I wuv you."
"Mommy, this is the best car and best 16th birthday ever. I wuv you."
"Mommy, thank you for cutting all financial support now that I have reached the legal adult age of 18. I wuv you."
"Mommy, even as I marry my wife-bride, I wish I could take the hand of another special lady. I wuv you."
"Lordy, lordy, look who's forty! It's me, mommy! I wuv you."
"Nifty, thrifty, look who's fifty! Me again, mommy! I wuv you."
"Mommy, from now on you're going to be living in a special community full of people just like you. No, mommy, we can't take all of your things. Listen, stop crying mommy. We can't have another accident like that spill you had on the back steps. I was talking with Barbara about it and -- yes, this was Barbara's idea. Now, mommy, don't you worry. We'll visit plenty. I wuv you."
HYPOTHETICAL COMMUNICATION ERROR
Now we will commence with the morality portion of today's procedure. Please answer the following question honestly, making sure to show your work.
Imagined Scenario: A young, penniless mother, forced out into the streets, has no choice but to deliver her baby outdoors, surrounded by bearded men and farm animals. If given the choice, would this mother be better off had she aborted her baby?
C. PROBE MALFUNCTION (ENDS PROGRAM)
Congratulations. You have just aborted Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior. Your JACOB could do the same great works as He Who is Risen, had you not decided to snuff out his undetermined future like a killer skeleton robot. On the Bob Jones University Scale of Simple Human Decency, your ranking is 3.2, or "Whore of Babylon."
This ends Your Official State or Virginia Abortion Readiness Exam. Would you like to keep your baby?
B. "NO" OPTION COMING IN "2013"
Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!
Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.
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Try not to break your console while I try not to break my cyber brain.
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