Happy Fifth Birthday, SA
I almost forgot, today is SA's fifth birthday. Hooray.
Vote Carnosaur in 2004!
Cameron Diaz explains how people who don't vote or vote for Bush will be directly responsible for hyper-intelligent machines taking over the world and enslaving all mankind.
If you're like me, and I'm fairly confident that at least one person in my house is, you're terribly sick of the 2004 Presidential candidates. America transforms into a whining, bitching, irritable toddler every four years, fueled by two middle aged white men who spend all their free time calling each other names or complaining about how they are being called names. I don't consider myself either a Republican or Democrat on account of the fact that I still haven't found somebody from either party worth voting for. I am a Novotatarian and I refuse to cast a single ballot until some party decides to produce a middle aged white guy who appeals to me and doesn't conduct himself in the manner of a complete butt.
We Novotatarians are being unfairly persecuted by the liberal media who claim that our refusal to engage in the voting process seems irresponsible and anti-democratic, somehow making us less of a citizen like a C.H.U.D. or Scientologist. Raving idiots like Cameron Diaz futilely try to threaten the Novotatarian party by making outrageous claims such as "if you think that rape should be legal, then don't vote."Let me tell you something, Miss Diaz: grouping us Novotatarians in with the Rapeocrats not only cheapens our democracy, but it also makes you look like a tremendous fool who has starred in such hit Hollywood films as "Ben Stiller's Awkward Misunderstanding Comedy About a Loveable Cretin With Bad Luck 74" and "The Grrreat American Grrrl Power Movie 43." Not all us Novotatarians support rape, and even the ones who do won't bother voting for any bills that legalize it. That is simply the nature of our party and if you would've bothered researching the colorful Novotatarian history, perhaps you wouldn't have acted like such a tremendous fool on that TV show where people are given free automobiles for $7,000 each. Furthermore, let me tell you dunce caps from Turner Media and MTV and every other commercial-driven corporation who want me to elect the bribed leader of their choice: not voting is the most patriotic thing anybody can do. Each time a TV anchorperson announces in a very sad, solemn voice that 98.4% of American citizens refused to vote, my heart skips a beat because I know the Novotatarian party is growing and our displeasure for both candidates is becoming more apparent. Soon our raw, consolidated apathy will force one of the two parties to nominate an actual decent, intelligent, charismatic leader in order to capitalize on our growing numbers, but we won't bother voting for him either because, really, what's the point?
Whenever I ask somebody these days who they are voting for, they seem to invariably respond with something along the lines of, "I'm voting for Kerry because I hate Bush" or "I'm voting for Bush because I hate Kerry." Well here's a revolutionary idea: instead of voting AGAINST somebody, why don't we actually vote FOR somebody? Has America grown into such a tremendous shithole that the only way a candidate can garner votes from the public is by hoping people hate him slightly less than his rival? Has democracy mutated into some blackened, disgusting entity that requires us to vote for the sole purpose of preventing the other candidate from winning? I don't think so, and this is why I'm voting Carnosaur in 2004.
In a world full of turmoil and topsoil, Carnosaur is the only real choice.
Carnosaur took the voting world by storm in 1993 when he debuted in the smash hit self-titled feature film "Carnosaur," starring himself, Clint Howard, and various other people who went on to play supporting roles in artificial butter commercials. This movie, a pseudo-documentary of his difficult life growing up, portrayed the Carnosaur as a deep and introspective creature who truly had his finger on the pulse of this great nation. For example, when he ate about 20 hippies who had chained themselves to a giant tractor in order to protest giant tractors, he reflected our country's passionate hatred of filthy hippies and our passionate love of eating stuff chained to a tractor. When he devoured a Mexican who apparently wandered onto the set and attempted to ask directions to the nearest restroom, he displayed America's contempt for illegal immigrants and proved how we desperately require new immigration laws. Carnosaur is the only candidate this Presidential election who is truly in touch with America and will not stoop to spewing out personal attacks, half truths, and incessant sound bytes in an attempt to defeat his opponent. If you want proof, just look at Carnosaur's track record:
Consumed at least 28 people in 1993, including a very smart doctor / scientist / person who wore a white coat, in addition to Ron Howard's sweetly retarded and horribly ugly brother.
Voted to lower taxes on meat imports and increase subsidies to those family-owned farms with at least half of their income derived from beef or poultry, while raising taxes on companies who manufacture tranquilizer dart guns and large strong nets.
Voted for the "Fairness in Pharmaceuticals" bill which imposed stricter fines on drug manufacturing firms attempting to circumvent FDA rules. Later admitted that the only reason he voted for this bill was because he thought the word "pharmaceuticals" meant "hey Carnosaur, I found Clint Howard's home address, why don't you come over here and eat him and his wife and kids?"
Consumed at least 20 people in 1995, mostly highly skilled Marines specializing in anti-dinosaur operations and armed with customized anti-dinosaur weapons called "guns."
Engaged in a heated debate with Senator Vincent J. Fumo regarding health care for seniors. During a discussion of Medicare, Senator Fumo began calling Carnosaur a "faggot," at which point Carnosaur refused to dignify his insult with a response. He decided to take the high road, instead tearing off the Senator's arm and swallowing it while emitting a blood curdling screech of rage.
Saved a baby from burning to death in a house fire, although nobody is exactly sure what happened to the baby once he was rescued from the inferno. Carnosaur claimed the baby "ran away" and also ate the 63 chickens in a nearby poultry processing plant.
Once ran headfirst into the side of a commuter train in an attempt to break through the passenger car and consume a family of six traveling to Boston. While this may not sound noteworthy by itself, our records show that the children had a very, very strong possibility of growing up and becoming terrorists! (They were minorities)
Defeated General Pete Mercer, leader of the anti-dinosaur branch of the armed forces. The actor who played General Pete Mercer later went on to star in such films as "The Last Movie I Was In Before Dying Was a Carnosaur Movie" and "Help Me, I'm Dead; the General Pete Mercer Story."
A Carnosaur promotional commercial clearly shows his position on many key points.
Many scientists and experts who claimed to know shit about how stuff does stuff to other stuff claimed Carnosaur couldn't exist and that it was "impossible" for any creature to grow over eight feet tall in less than 72 hours, particularly a creature whose diet consists primarily of Clint Howard. Carnosaur proved them wrong by not only growing to over eight feet tall in under three days, but by additionally tearing off their arms and legs while lurching around in a morbid, bloody dance of ecstasy. When the Eunice Corporation first hired Dr. Jane Tiptree to create a deadly, murderous flesh eating dinosaur which would somehow make their poultry production facilities more efficient, the scientific community declared it couldn't be done. Then they declared it shouldn't be done. Then they all kind of stopped declaring things for a bit and began to wonder exactly how a homicidal dinosaur would financially benefit a poultry farm. That is the precise moment that Carnosaur leapt through their bedroom drywall and tore their ribcage out with his jaws of American pride and ripped their faces off with his claws of American ingenuity. Although Carnosaur was created for the sole purpose of destroying mankind and somehow producing a lot of chickens in the process, he has been able to overcome these moral setbacks and contribute both to democracy and our great nation.
Carnosaur has never once attempted to "dumb down" his message or engage in verbal attacks against his rivals George Bush Jr. or John Kerry. Sure he engaged in numerous physical attacks against both men, including the time he busted through a restroom wall and attempted to devour Kerry while he sat on the toilet and read an outdated copy of The New Yorker, but that just proves the Carnosaur is a "can do" type of candidate full of moxie and possibly also gumption (mostly moxie). While Bush and Kerry sit back and relentlessly insult each other in an attempt to flood the American public with as many negative issues as possible, Carnosaur is out making the world a better place. For example, just two days ago Carnosaur devoured a big fat guy wearing a jean jacket which displayed a sequin dragon image on the back, and our records indicate that this person ONCE COMMITED AN ILLEGAL CRIME. Bush and Kerry may talk tough on crime, but only Carnosaur has the courage to go out there and do something about it. When was the last time you heard of John Kerry or George Bush eating a criminal? Not since 1973 at least! Maybe even later than that, I don't know, I'll have to check my records.
A HIGHLY SKILLED artist's representation of a national debate between George Bush Jr. and Carnosaur.
Carnosaur is a man of few words but many actions. When Congress was arguing about amendments for Iraqi financial support, Carnosaur was out making a difference by knocking over camper trailers and shrieking with righteous anger after the National Guard opened fire on him with their anti-dinosaur weapons (known as "guns"). When the Senate was deadlocked fighting against each other on the last budget bill, Carnosaur crossed over party lines by devouring almost all the delegates from Wisconsin and then taking a steaming shit in the middle of the debate floor while women and children shrieked and fled with American pride. So what does Carnosaur stand for?
Carnosaur is ANTI-GUN, but only when those guns are mounted from a helicopter and are being used to shoot him in the face. Carnosaur believes in responsible gun ownership and SAFETY LOCKS that detect when a weapon is being used to shoot a 30-foot tall dinosaur who is attempting to eat a family of four. Carnosaur has nothing against the NRA or their policies, but does believe their CEO Charlton Heston is "quite stringy" with "hardly any meat on the bone."
Carnosaur supports THE WAR IN IRAQ because he believes there should be as many troops as possible overseas in order to strengthen America's foreign presence and also prevent troops from defending LARGE RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOODS from LARGE DINOSAURS OF THE CARNIVORE VARIETY.
Carnosaur supports GAY MARRIAGE as long as science figures out some way to allow gay people to breed and produce babies. Countless TASTY, TASTY BABIES.
Carnosaur supports IMPROVED HEALTH CARE FOR SENIORS, as long as this health care is administered inside a VERY LARGE FIELD SURROUNDED BY WIRE FENCE providing VERY FEW PLACES TO HIDE or call THE ANTI-DINOSAUR BRANCH OF THE ARMED FORCES.
Carnosaur supports SAVING TAX DOLLARS by dismantling the ANTI-DINOSAUR BRANCH OF THE ARMED FORCES. Carnosaur will voluntarily dismantle the Anti-Dinosaur ops by himself in a dark, sealed warehouse if possible.
Carnosaur supports a Constitutional amendment PROHIBITING CLINT HOWARD FROM EVER APPEARING ON ANY FORM OF MEDIA, except a newspaper announcing his fatal heart attack and providing directions to the Dairy Queen where the services will be held.
It's obvious that what Carnosaur stands for outweighs what George Bush and John Kerry stand against. Carnosaur is a creature of action and moral values, somebody who's not afraid to stand up to the terrorists and drug lords, shortly before forcibly separating their heads from the remainder of their bodies. Carnosaur was raised as a chicken herder in the heartland of America, a place where good ol' fashioned common sense still prevails and isn't affected by Washington's fancy big business talk and requirement to wear pants. Carnosaur is the only choice for all us Novotatarians riding the fence, unable to decide between not voting for Bush and not voting for Kerry. This election year, please remember:
A VOTE FOR KERRY OR BUSH IS A VOTE FOR CLINT HOWARD.
Classic pick up lines for the sleazebag who tends to overthink things.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.