Got pretty embarrassed at the party last night. Totally looked like I peed my pants 'cuz I spilled my glass of pee into my lap— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) August 21, 2013
i only eat cured meats i don't want any meats that still have meat aids— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) April 1, 2014
Happy birthday to my cousin Shelly. I hope you have a great day! APRIL FOOLS! I hope you get diarrhea, Shelly.— Alissa O. (@alissaisok) April 2, 2014
Excited to announce my latest investment; this two dollar scratch it card.— Amber Karmel (@McNorfin) April 2, 2014
nonono im not an alcoholic im a craft beer nerd. the labels are much more colourful and it costs 3x as much— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) April 3, 2014
I got a 12 hour ban from facebook because some guy was complaining about cyberbullying and I uploaded a photoshop of his head in a toilet— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) April 3, 2014
Michael Jackson wasn't murdered by a doctor. @lowtax banned him and he was so embarrassed he stopped moving forever— amanda (@onlyprettysure) April 3, 2014
Headed into my 2nd hour of trying to turn on the lamp in my hotel room.— billy eichner (@billyeichner) April 4, 2014
[wakes up in a cold sweat] I ALMOST FORGOT TO CORRECT SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET!— brendle what (@brendlewhat) April 4, 2014
do you think we see trippy euro images on drugs because surrealism is so ingrained in culture? or do you think we should..Kick John V's Ass?— John V (@wettbutt) April 4, 2014
Me seeing a guy with a goiter: hey man I think you have an ingrown dreadlock Me reading about goiter pamphlet: Man I am sooo sorry— Mikey Nicegood (@DinkMagic) April 4, 2014
*does michael jackson lip bite head shake leg kick 2 seconds before getting knocked out in a street fight*— Brent (@murrman5) April 5, 2014
these plants better hire a better ad agency pic.twitter.com/IVzdjIsBmv— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) April 5, 2014
Just accidentally jacked off to http://t.co/yFy9dEw3OY and ordered khakis from You Porn.— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) April 5, 2014
I just earned the "You're Drinking Miller Lite And You Deserve To Die" badge (Level 1) on untappd.— Michele Catalano (@inthefade) April 5, 2014
[grainy videotape footage zooming in on me out in a big field beating the shit out of and head butting a dumpster on fire]— andrulius (@Peeglass) April 5, 2014
I put the :/ in http:/— catherine carroll (@catscarlett) April 6, 2014
Going to Target, anyone need anything nicer than what you'd buy at Walmart but not as nice as you'd hoped to afford at this stage in life?— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) April 6, 2014
2014 has been huge for brands. Enormous even. i don't want to see what 2015 has in store for us. i want to be killed before then— Pal (@sickpal) April 6, 2014
Tried this line "hi I'm the horniest" one guy said he knew a hornier girl I was like doubt it & one guy's wife said step off bitch I said ok— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) April 6, 2014
Brought a shopping bag full of loose peanuts to the jays game yesterday. every game im gonna bring a grosser food & see where the line is— Mikey Nicegood (@DinkMagic) April 6, 2014
I am a man but I have large tits, larger than some of the women i lust after— Hermit Thrush (@_Hermit_Thrush_) April 7, 2014
Today is the 20th anniversary of the genocide in Rwanda, but first... let me take a selfie.— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) April 7, 2014
big food is in bed with the natural gas companies. "you should cook fish and eggs before you eat them or youll get sick" Find another sucker— Michael Hale (@dogboner) April 7, 2014
He died doing what he loved: innovating brands— Ed Zitron (@edzitron) April 7, 2014
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
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