Unable to join the X-Men because my mutation, the ability to tell how many times you've been fingered in a Honda Civic, wasn't "valuable"— MattyTalks (@mattytalks) April 21, 2014
Jim Davis stuck in traffic with a suction cup Garfield watching him from the car ahead, the silent guard of a prison he created for himself— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) April 20, 2014
I would say I am motivated 30% by love for my work, 10% by status anxiety, and 60% desire to spite an ex I haven't talked to in years— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) April 18, 2014
I just posted a song called "Hot Piss" by The Yellow River Boys on Facebook. Let's see how this goes.— The Big Guy (@TSSteinbacher) April 18, 2014
1/4 of the stuff on my facebook is currently cartoons posted by a Serbian car repair shop. I can see why this company is worth billions— Mikey Nicegood (@DinkMagic) April 18, 2014
Heaven Is For Real Is For Real • 2014 • Drama • 96 min • A young boy with bacterial meningitis sees an insanely shitty movie while in a coma— stefan (@boring_as_heck) April 18, 2014
Guys with beards have the personality of a girl with bangs.— Lauren Greenberg (@LaurenGreenberg) April 18, 2014
ZIZEK: It is only in this sense that Mr Devito and Mr Crystal "throw mama from the train." They have thrown mama from this train long before— John V (@wettbutt) April 17, 2014
I don't know if you can be genetically predisposed to Twitter but my dad used to call radio stations to read political song lyrics he wrote.— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) April 17, 2014
Imagine actually looking at the other person when you FaceTime— lisa (@Squeeb_Slayer) April 16, 2014
[listening to joe rogan say that we're all people living on a fuckin rock in space and we should be cool to each other] oh my god, shit— The Hot Take Man (@swarthyvillain) April 15, 2014
Finally set keyboard to British english. Favourite favourite Armour bollocks codswallop sarnie innit— Ed Zitron (@edzitron) April 15, 2014
Cool name for god = "head writer of The Weather Channel"— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 15, 2014
JUst manscaped. Filled up a whole Walmart bag— The Unagamer (@pr0spector88) April 15, 2014
All my tweets are carefully crafted to attract women and get me laid. It has never worked— Hermit Thrush (@_Hermit_Thrush_) April 15, 2014
[clinks glass at wedding reception until everyone quiets down and i get up to give the best man toast] webster's dictionary defines irony as— L Ǝ O И (@leyawn) April 14, 2014
I'm on the paleo diet, I only eat legumes and pussy— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) April 14, 2014
Hey can I borrow a picture of Jesus? My parents are coming to visit.— Kiki and the Rancor (@rancorcuddles) April 14, 2014
id like to report an error of the googleglass please. if you accidentally wear it backwards it sends video of a big horrible eye to everyone— wint (@dril) April 14, 2014
"The titular jungle in "Jungle 2 Jungle" is actually found within Tim Allen's mind" - excerpt from essay that got me kicked out of college— stefan (@boring_as_heck) April 14, 2014
One thing I've had trouble deciphering since I was 14: Are you interested in me or just talkative?— J-Dubs (@Brotherwags) April 12, 2014
i stood over a roaring fire shirtless drinking beer for like 4 hours im exhausted— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) April 12, 2014
a man just cat called me and i screamed at him I CAN COOK A BABY IN MY BODY i'm doing great— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) April 12, 2014
Star Trek: life in a bad ass car Star Trek next generation: life with a bad ass dad Deep space 9: you live at the airport now— Mikey Nicegood (@DinkMagic) April 12, 2014
*uses the NATO phonetic alphabet to spell out xXBLAZEBRO420Xx to the xbox customer service rep*— Celebrity (@FamousCeleb) April 11, 2014
just finished assembling what i can only imagine is my coffee table's dick. i have no idea what i am building— tinybaby (@tinybaby) April 11, 2014
Definition of the day: "the internet": basically a lot of complaining.— Whiskey Rodriguez (@whiskeyish) April 10, 2014
Forget Target or Best Buy, if you want deals this Black Friday you can't do better than smoking massive, mind-melting quantities of DMT.
A reluctant family is forced to welcome a non-human participant to Thanksgiving dinner.
You cant go around life being smart in an unconventional way, it could change the world.
Everything worth reading from Twitter in one handy, horrible place!