Unable to join the X-Men because my mutation, the ability to tell how many times you've been fingered in a Honda Civic, wasn't "valuable"— MattyTalks (@mattytalks) April 21, 2014
Jim Davis stuck in traffic with a suction cup Garfield watching him from the car ahead, the silent guard of a prison he created for himself— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) April 20, 2014
I would say I am motivated 30% by love for my work, 10% by status anxiety, and 60% desire to spite an ex I haven't talked to in years— Mallory Ortberg (@mallelis) April 18, 2014
I just posted a song called "Hot Piss" by The Yellow River Boys on Facebook. Let's see how this goes.— The Big Guy (@TSSteinbacher) April 18, 2014
1/4 of the stuff on my facebook is currently cartoons posted by a Serbian car repair shop. I can see why this company is worth billions— Mikey Nicegood (@DinkMagic) April 18, 2014
Heaven Is For Real Is For Real • 2014 • Drama • 96 min • A young boy with bacterial meningitis sees an insanely shitty movie while in a coma— stefan (@boring_as_heck) April 18, 2014
Guys with beards have the personality of a girl with bangs.— Lauren Greenberg (@LaurenGreenberg) April 18, 2014
ZIZEK: It is only in this sense that Mr Devito and Mr Crystal "throw mama from the train." They have thrown mama from this train long before— John V (@wettbutt) April 17, 2014
I don't know if you can be genetically predisposed to Twitter but my dad used to call radio stations to read political song lyrics he wrote.— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) April 17, 2014
Imagine actually looking at the other person when you FaceTime— lisa (@Squeeb_Slayer) April 16, 2014
[listening to joe rogan say that we're all people living on a fuckin rock in space and we should be cool to each other] oh my god, shit— The Hot Take Man (@swarthyvillain) April 15, 2014
Finally set keyboard to British english. Favourite favourite Armour bollocks codswallop sarnie innit— Ed Zitron (@edzitron) April 15, 2014
Cool name for god = "head writer of The Weather Channel"— Megan Amram (@meganamram) April 15, 2014
JUst manscaped. Filled up a whole Walmart bag— The Unagamer (@pr0spector88) April 15, 2014
All my tweets are carefully crafted to attract women and get me laid. It has never worked— Hermit Thrush (@_Hermit_Thrush_) April 15, 2014
[clinks glass at wedding reception until everyone quiets down and i get up to give the best man toast] webster's dictionary defines irony as— L Ǝ O И (@leyawn) April 14, 2014
I'm on the paleo diet, I only eat legumes and pussy— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) April 14, 2014
Hey can I borrow a picture of Jesus? My parents are coming to visit.— Kiki and the Rancor (@rancorcuddles) April 14, 2014
id like to report an error of the googleglass please. if you accidentally wear it backwards it sends video of a big horrible eye to everyone— wint (@dril) April 14, 2014
"The titular jungle in "Jungle 2 Jungle" is actually found within Tim Allen's mind" - excerpt from essay that got me kicked out of college— stefan (@boring_as_heck) April 14, 2014
One thing I've had trouble deciphering since I was 14: Are you interested in me or just talkative?— J-Dubs (@Brotherwags) April 12, 2014
i stood over a roaring fire shirtless drinking beer for like 4 hours im exhausted— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) April 12, 2014
a man just cat called me and i screamed at him I CAN COOK A BABY IN MY BODY i'm doing great— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) April 12, 2014
Star Trek: life in a bad ass car Star Trek next generation: life with a bad ass dad Deep space 9: you live at the airport now— Mikey Nicegood (@DinkMagic) April 12, 2014
*uses the NATO phonetic alphabet to spell out xXBLAZEBRO420Xx to the xbox customer service rep*— Celebrity (@FamousCeleb) April 11, 2014
just finished assembling what i can only imagine is my coffee table's dick. i have no idea what i am building— tinybaby (@tinybaby) April 11, 2014
Definition of the day: "the internet": basically a lot of complaining.— Whiskey Rodriguez (@whiskeyish) April 10, 2014
Mothers, Danzig warned you in general terms about his nefarious intentions. Now find out what he specifically intends.
Makes baby look too appetizing. Also I have my thigh stuck in one and I can't get it off. It's so tight around the skin I can't cut it without risking injury. IT'S A LONG STORY AND IT'S NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX.
The darkest, most controversial game since Luigi's Mansion.
Everything worth reading from Twitter in one handy, horrible place!