Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on who you are), men have this ability to sustain erections at the most inopportune moments. Whether it's at the supermarket, English class, or a prostate exam, surprise erections are a plight men have been dealing with since the dawn of time. The best way to deal with this is to help the brave men of this country relieve themselves when the pressure becomes too much to handle. I hope you'll perform your civic duty, "Berrezncreem".

I was wondering what this had to do with a sex advice forum but I'd imagine most of these people would be buying a dog primarily to have sex with it so I guess it's on topic.

It's an occupation where you blow on old people's soup so it doesn't burn their mouths.

I couldn't for the life of me follow what's going on in this story.

A vagina is like a Stretch Armstrong toy. Damn those things were cool. They should have made a female version with rubbery labia that stretch out to her head.

Stalk the living fuck out of her. At least that's what I do. Keep at it until she realizes she loves you and wants to spend her life with you. She may request a restraining order but she'll come around eventually. Over time you'll develop an immunity to pepper spray.

Turn on some slow jazz and whisper sweet nothings in her ear. Follow it up with a huge fart in her face.

My girlfriend named mine "Stinky".

High school senior Josh Sternmeyer really appreciates that you saved your delicate flower for him to crush like the hundreds before you.

More The Weekend Web

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.

  • Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'

Copyright ©2015 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.