cHiBiKo's DeadJournal, submitted by Cheesegod. You know, I get emails all the time that ask, "Ben, what purpose does the Awful Link of the Day serve? Also, how did you get so sexy?" Well, those are really two separate questions. To answer the second one first, I have great hair and dreamy eyes. As for the first question, the Awful Link is a key component of the plan we here at Something Awful devised to drive ourselves insane. It is with great pleasure, or searing pain, depending on how you look at it, that I announce that today's Awful Link brings us a whole hell of a lot closer to that goal. Today I present you with the DeadJournal (get it? It's like LiveJournal, only with "Dead" instead of "Live!" Ha ha! The zaniness on this here internet!) of one of the most confusingly batshit crazy individuals I've ever encountered. She doesn't just like anime, she isn't just a big fan of anime, she is one hundred percent convinced that she is living in an anime world with all of her anime toon friends. My first thought when I saw this site was that things are going to get a whole lot worse once she turns eighteen and starts living in a hentai tentacle-rape world, but as it is, this dreck is bad enough to last an indeterminate number of lifetimes.

Why The Fuck do u need 2 kno the great God of Death aka Shinigami ^.~ .....well, ok! im not really shini-chan, but i am his wife! yep! i got married!! and im only 15!!! what a waste!! bound 2 nine different people!! wahh!!!

It's absolutely amazing, but in just those few lines of text, this girl manages to violate every rule of grammar, punctuation, and spelling available to her. It's all the stupidity of a complete LiveJournal in a fraction of the space. But that's just a sample of the user profile. Try some of the actual journal on for size, big boy.

*ahem* yes, well....i havent the slightest as 2 were in my world i left off last time i wrote in this thing-a-ma-jig just gonna say stuff. THe Honeymoon b over!!! finally!!! 4 n e 1 who doth care, im stuck married 2 Kurama, Hiei, Shini, Heero, Duo, Inu-Yasha, Sesshoumaru, Kagome, and Kikyou. The last 2 r gurlz....dont ask how i dont kno. ask kurama if u dare....that guy's gone loco. mood swings n e one??? im starting 2 think he aint really a guy, but i kno better....first hand experiences rnt always fun. On that topic, Kurama decided 2 steal my soul the other day and bind my powers completely. I then became his lil slave and all that jazz until last nite when we returned home and he finally gave it bak.

Yowza. If there isn't eyeball jelly running down your face, you obviously didn't read closely enough. Try this part again: 4 n e 1 who doth care. That may be the single most infuriating phrase I have ever seen. If we break it down word by word, it's like it's in three different languages and looks something like this: Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Normal Elizabethan Normal. I can't even put into words how much this pisses me off. I normally would be able to articulate it perfectly, but reading this crap is actually sapping my language skills. But the language is beside the point. What's more important is the sweeping drama! I mean, we can't have Kurama just running around stealing people's souls willy-nilly. That's serious stuff. At least he was nice enough to give it "bak."

I recognize the majority of the names she has for her "friends" from Gundam Wing and Tenchi Muyo, and I'm fairly certain that the fact that I recognize them makes me a bad person. This journal is mind-blowingly pathetic and makes me want to weep seventy-five gallons of white fluid per second from my tire-sized eyes, just like a real anime boy. If you still aren't convinced that you should proceed at once to this site to see how much of a more worthwhile human being you are than this girl, let me tempt you with just a little more text.

He forced me 2 fix his so now its bak 2 normal, then he put a new collar on me. This one neutralizes my powers 4 the most part so ive been reduced 2 human form as a permanent,it has a trackin device, AND it has a FUCKING BELL!!! I hate bells!!! now he'll kno where i am an when im comin...k'so!!!

I hate this... so much... so very, very much. Go to this site. Feel the pain that I have felt. And before I go, a special additional thanks to Cheesegod for the submission. Cheesy's name is mentioned somewhere on the site. Bonus points if you can find it! I should mention, though, that those points can only be redeemed for additional trips to the site.

– Ben "Greasnin" Platt

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