"I've used beer instead of water when brushing my teeth"


"I've wiped my wet/dirty hands off on dogs before."

Tony Danza Clause

"Hungover girl woke up in my bed and came out to find me eating cereal naked on the couch. Her look of 'what am I doing with my life?' wasn't much of a disguise for her faux-polite 'Well, I've gotta go, I've got...' cut off by my uncaring 'yeah.' I've never felt more like a disgusting pig. It was awesome."


"Make what I call 'Poor Man's Pad Thai'. It's basically spaghetti, peanut butter and hot sauce. I could order real Thai, but I'm too lazy."


"If I've had my underwear on so long it gets itchy and I don't want to do laundry, I'll just shove a paper towel down there for a day or two."


"I lost all my socks in moving, so have exclusively worn flip flops for the past 2.5 years, and wear said flip flops until giant holes appear in the heels."

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