I used to have a skateboard. It wasn't great. The absolute low point was when I decided to use the board to luge down a hill, and I accidentally ran over my fingers. If only I'd had the guiding hand of the Something Awful forums back then, I could've been a skateboarding god!


Amateur hour: Ride a few feet straight with your board, stumble on a curb


the tap: you try to Ollie but all you do is tap down on the board.


So 90's: Sing/whistle/hum your favourite 90's tune while performing Amateur Hour


You aren't the boss of me: stash your helmet in a bush when you get around the corner.

Napoleon Bonaparty

I can totally do this trick kevin you fucking idiot: get on the skateboard, and as you push off, fall over and cave your skull in.


the Smells Like Teen Spirit: record yourself in black & white with a fish eye lens


the dostoevsky: beat an old pawn-broker and her half-sister to death with your board and spend the next years of your life breaking down psychologically until you're found out and thrown in siberian prison


The Anime: perform a lengthy exposition while in the air for just a few seconds


i want to hang with the cool kids but don't have a skateboard: brag about knowing everything about skateboarding while hoping no one realizes you're reciting hints from Tony Hawk Pro Skater


Lazy man: think about riding your board some day


The Grizzled veteran: while wearing a fake cast on your leg and holding your skateboard, observe and ridicule others as they ride while giving advice and talking about all the tricks you will do once your leg "heals"


the roll reversal place the skateboard on top of yourself and roll around on the ground

I Was The Fury

The Loser: show up in roller skates

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    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

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