you'd think his driveway car-building/restoration project would be a hearse, or a caddy, but you'd be wrong. it'd be a decommissioned yellow checker taxi from nyc from 50 years ago


this thread isn't entirely about his own home per sé, but also homes away from home. every overnight diner in a 30mi radius modified their straw dispensers to have cigarettes, coffee costs a nickel, and you can always get a ride from a noble ghost trucker. his concerts don't sell beer but they do have cigarette vending machines.


this thread is actually a lie, he's been hitchhiking, hopping box cars, and driving horribly inefficient american made cars from before the 70s at insanely high speeds


"why are there rusty railroad spikes in your sink?"

"oh, hrrrnnng, yeah, i cough those up every mornin'"


tom waits stole a handful of penny candy from the store and cadre of cops rushed and beat him bloody with billy clubs. finally, a new record from him


jesus was ready to do the rapture in 1992 but tomwaits looked up at the sky and jesus got skeeved

fema crisis actor

When Tom went down to the crossroads and made his deal with the devil, there was a clerical error and now he has to pick up shifts for old scratch on Tuesday and Thursday


tom waits put on trial for murdering the moon, causing it to crash in Kentucky. He made the Right friends in jail and was let out early on one condition: he find and "take care of" Saturday night and bring back its heart as proof.


he has a room of refrigerators with crayon scrawlings of vultures and dead trees, each labeled "tom wates age 5". the opposite wall has a bunch of ticks marking his height, with one line at the top being super fucking dark


Oh crap oh crap... it's that nosy singer from next door. Where do I hide all this formaldehyde that got misdelivered to my home address?


- Huey, you get the dishes. Lewey, vacuum. Dewey, run to the store and buy the least expensive biscuits you can find...

- But Unca Tommy, why the hurry?

- Because your dear old Grandunca Scrooge is visiting. And this time we're gonna find out where the old geezer's buried all that money before he loses his mind.

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The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

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