tom waits has huge spread out blueprints on his desk. they're all inventions he's come up with and the top one is a version of the clapper that works on raspy coughs
all of the lights in his house fall into one of two catagories, tipped over antique claw lamp or bare flickering bulb hanging from the ceiling
he drives an old black Mariah, but prefers to transform into a crow and caw a "step right up" sales pitch as he flies across the wasteland
he sleeps in a room with a huge, rusted boiler and clanky old rusted pipes. he keeps a notebook on his nightstand to write music ideas in. it's mostly "clank hssssss wommmmmwommmm growl about the world drowning to death in rusty water" and a giant ink blot with arrows pointing to it saying "PLAY THIS NOTE". the nightstand is made out of old single load muskets and a manhole cover
like all good recording artists, he has a sound studio in his home. he straps himself to a gurney leftover from when the insane asylum burnt down, closes the cell, and sings into a charred IV pole with a bent tin can duct taped on.
"What Her Disappear" was written when he was living in the treehouse built by the single mom down the block. he was in between condemned death row facilities after he learned it wasn't haunted
tom waits cell phone is just a collection of cells that have grown into an old-style rotary. it survives by consuming the spittle he produces during a phone conversation. when alone, it can be heard gasping and crying almost-silently.
tom's piano went to AA, left that enablist relationship, found religion, and stayed sober for the rest of its days. tom waits married a steam organ he found at the scrapyard, where they lived a life of decadent hedonism miserably ever after
Today's Episode of American Pawn Stars...
Corey: Hello, what have we here?
Guy: I have here the one, the only- Tom Waits' piano!
Chumley: Do you have any provenance on it?
Corey: Chumley, would ya let me? Do you have any provenance on it? *eyes Chumley darkly*'
Guy: Well, the piano's got cirrhosis of the liver!
Corey: yep, that's his alright!
he keeps his voice in a mason jar by his night stand, it's full with an old, sunbaked dirt road and cut with 20 year barrel aged whisky
fema crisis actor
Sit down for a real nitty gritty interview with Tom Waits, suddenly he removes a bag of marbles from his throat, and speaks in an Oxford accent
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.