Zack: You have traveled all day and many miles into the Barrens. As the sun sets the air becomes cooler, but you and your horses are tired from traveling. Ahead of you, not far from the path, you see some rocks that might be a good place to make a camp.
Steve: That's just what they want me to think. I choose an open spot on the opposite side of the path, looking specifically for the worst place to make camp.
Zack: How long are you going to sleep?
Steve: I will sleep soundly throughout the night, placing the Decider in the ground so that he can stand watch over my sleeping carcass.
Zack: The axe warns you that he can't actually see anything.
Steve: "A-ha! Then how did you know that the horses we beautiful!?" Dean Snakehands conjures all his might and ejects the axe as far as he can out into the desert. "I will keep watch myself you cowardly fool!"
Zack: Alright. You are keeping watch over the sleeping axe and the horses when you hear footsteps in the desert.
Steve: I rely upon my ethnic infravision to penetrate the morphean veil.
Zack: You look into the darkness. There are two ragged bugbears sneaking towards your camp.
Steve: "Halt! Who dares approach Dean Snakehands?"
Zack: They are startled by your voice and recoil in fear. You see they have broken chains shackled to their ankles.
Steve: "Speak up or I will be forced to sever your giblets with my lesser axe."
Zack: One of the bugbears steps forward. "We have escaped from the gnome mines. They imprisoned us and forced us to work as slaves."
Steve: "Gnomes, eh? Well you men there are welcome to join my camp. I hate gnomes. They have earned a place in my oath book and will someday soon face my wroth."
Zack: The bugbears creep forward and sit down with you.
Steve: I give them some iron rations and tell them to keep watch while I sleep.
Zack: When you wake up in the morning the bugbears are gone. And so are your horses.
(Lips smacking, mouth full of peanut butter, glistening streams of peanut butter oil running down chin) "I'm full as hell, and I'm not going to take another bite!"
I saw good men turned to mush in the wars against the soggies. Men much better than you, Mr. President. If you are going to take John Brennan's security clearance, take my security clearance too.
Bonk: The Only Good Bonk Is A Head Bonk
We review every game from the last 2 months, plus all 21 SNES Classic titles
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.