We last left our intrepid party of investigators - Kurt Cobain, Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, and Eazy-E - in the early 1990s having dealt with a serial-killing cult of flame-monster Tulzscha. It is now 1992, a presidential election year, and things seem relatively quiet. But a surprise third-party presidential candidate is gaining serious traction with a platform of "nuking the Arabs." Unless the investigators can stop him and his sinister agenda, Morton Downey Jr. just might become the next president of the US of freaking A. Loosely based on the scenario "The Yithian Candidate" from The 1990's Handbook.
Zack: In last week's installment, which you should probably just read, Eazy E summoned a Servitor of the Outer Gods named Station which the gang used to escape the FBI and police. They then smuggled Station under a tarp into Janet Jackson's dressing room at the presidential debate being held at Mann's Chinese Theatre. Cobain, Left Eye and E then busted into Morton Downey Junior's dressing room with the intention of confronting him about his involvement in a radiation cult.
Steve: We overheard him saying something about a mad Arab seeking the fungi and nuking cities. Also Morton Downey had bikini babes with Uzis.
Zack: Yes, two buxom young ladies with giant hair are holding the gang at gunpoint. Morton Downey also has a huge Dirty Harry Magnum pistol pointed at you.
Steve: Does Left Eye have her flamethrower?
Zack: No, you had to ditch most of your weapons to sneak backstage at the debate. Left Eye is unarmed, Eazy E has a single Tech-9 and Kurt has his concealed tonfas. Also if you try to pull a gun you have a feeling you're going to get blasted by Uzis.
Steve: Getting shot to death is a super lame way to go in Cthulhu. E will keep his hand off his Tech-9.
Zack: "Don't you get it?" says Morton Downey. "The time when your simplistic killing might have worked has long passed. I am the leader of a movement. If you kill me you will only ensure that whoever takes my place will win the election."
Steve: Kurt is going to be like, "Whoa, whoa, cool down, buddy. We're not here to kill you, we're here because we want some answers."
Zack: Morton Downy cocks his head like he doesn't believe you. He gestures with the big revolver and says, "Ask your question before I splatter your brain pods."
Steve: Uhhhhh...question like singular question? We'd better ask something good.
Zack: He's not a robot where you can ask him a question that causes his logic circuits to melt down.
Steve: Okay, okay, Left Eye will ask, "Who is the 'mad Arab' we heard you talking about?"
"I thought the internet was all fun and games. Grow virtual plants on Facebook. Send email to grandma. IM friends with emojis," said the Stupid Ass Teenager, currently dying in an Idiot County hospital. "Never in my wildest dreams could I ever possibly humanly imagine that doing stupid ass internet shit in real life might get me mortally injured."
(Lips smacking, mouth full of peanut butter, glistening streams of peanut butter oil running down chin) "I'm full as hell, and I'm not going to take another bite!"
Bonk: The Only Good Bonk Is A Head Bonk
We review every game from the last 2 months, plus all 21 SNES Classic titles
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.